Why Hovind hasn't earned the title of 'Dr. Dino' (1 of 5)

I've long since stopped picking on creation-evangelist Kent Hovind because I figured I might be criticized for going at such an easy target. As most creationists seem to think he's a kook, I thought it best to pay attention to someone more mainstream. After all, I'd probably never spend significant amounts of time with one of his fans, right?

Well, I was wrong.

Turns out that my Arch-Rival in Taking Over the World has apparently bought into Kent Hovind's treasure trove of wacky ideas, which largely consist of factual distortions, quote-mining, and general denialism (here's an overall description of what I mean by 'denialism').
` While I've told him just a few drops in the bucket about what I know on this subject, it literally takes mountains of de-scrambling to go up against Hovind's creativity. Thus, I've decided to start building this mountain by exposing the true amount of effort Hovind put into his doctoral dissertation.

Unfortunately, even this takes half a mountain. In fact, I started taking it apart in May, but then had to work all day for weeks, and was sick for the next month and a half, etc. Even then, that's not even why it's taking so long -- this dissertation is actually just so packed with misinformation that it takes seemingly forever to tease apart, to the point where it's increasingly becoming tedious.
` Deception overload is a typical strategy of young earth creationism proponents, so much so that it's been named 'The Gish Gallop' after Duane Gish, whose anti-evolution arguments are so packed with multi-layered nonsense that his opponent would need ten minutes to unpack and refute each one.
` This is an effective strategy because he and his opponents are both given the same amount of time, yet his opponents need much more time than he does. Even when his opponents address his arguments before he gives them, he still gives the same argument, word-for-word, by the script, without even acknowledging his opponent's counterarguments.

That isn't going to happen here, on this blog. I have no such time constraints here, so no matter how big the document is I can take it apart. Even better, once I do this, these arguments will not get up and re-assemble themselves as though I hadn't done anything to them.

I am not even finished with Chapter One of this dissertation, so in order to finally post part of this endeavor, I have decided to break it up into five parts -- this one about the document itself and its introduction, and then one for each of its four chapters.
` So, here goes:

Why Hovind hasn't earned the title of 'Dr. Dino'

Regarded as a good source of information by certain creationists -- while others regard him as a good source of embarrassment -- Kent Hovind is best known for preaching that evolution is a false 'doctrine' used to justify atheism, as well as much paranoid ranting about various conspiracy theories and one-sided debating that he 'always wins', largely by not acknowledging his opposition's arguments.
` It's amazing how well that works when your audience doesn't know or care what the 'other guy' is trying to say.
` Hovind is perhaps most famous for earning himself ten years in Club Fed for not paying his taxes, and the fact that he and his wife made several withdrawals just under the $10,000 required reporting limit suggests that they wanted to keep their wealth a secret. He didn't apply for his properties or programs to have a tax-exempt status, so why does he think he shouldn't have to pay taxes?
` Because, as I have always noticed, he doesn't live in the real world, or at least he pretends that he doesn't. Better yet, where does he actually claim to live? According to the Pensacola News Journal, Kent's property is not taxable because:

When asked where he lived, Kent Hovind replied, "I live in the church of Jesus Christ, which is located all over the world. I have no residence."

Seriously? He even claimed that he shouldn't have to tax his employees' income because they're "missionaries", and besides, all his income belongs to God anyway, not the government. From this, he's claiming that the government is persecuting his religion.
` Just like all his other tactics for upsetting the status quo, such distractions as presenting oneself as a religious martyr does not get one anywhere in reality -- especially not in a court of law.
` This does not surprise me, considering that Hovind has long ago fallen from the edge of the Religious Right into a vortex of spinning conspiracy theories in which The Country's Dominant Religion is Being Persecuted.
` Honestly, I think that Kent Hovind is an artful master of twisting thousands of pieces of half-truths and other false evidence into one seemingly-coherent picture in the most creative ways. That's something to keep in mind during this series of posts, and the reason why is coming up next:

Hovind is also known for bragging about his Ph.D. to the point that, not only does he call himself 'Dr. Dino', but he even had the astonishing egotism to be listed in the Pensacola phone book with the actual prefix 'Dr.'. Seriously -- who does that?
` All his bizarre behavior aside -- does he really deserve that title? More importantly, does he even deserve to be regarded as an authority figure on the topics on which he preaches?

Let's start with the first question: Is he a doctor, of anything?

In order to get an advanced degree like a Ph.D, you are required to write a doctoral dissertation (a.k.a. doctoral thesis). That means you must generate a body of original research, which must add to existing knowledge -- otherwise, it's basically a term paper.
` Once it is approved by a thesis committee of 3-5 individuals, it is considered to be a completed document, is archived for anyone to access, and does not change. That doesn't mean the author can't continue to pursue the thesis topic, only that the thesis itself can't be amended.

In 1999, a critic by the name of Skip Evans sent a request to Hovind for a copy of his dissertation. Hovind replied that it had been lost in a move, so Evans requested permission to acquire a copy from Hovind's alma mater, Patriot University.
` Hovind granted him permission, and Patriot sent Evans the 101-page document -- that is, the original, not a copy, complete with pictures that had been literally scotch-taped onto the paper.
` Evans repeatedly emailed Mr. Hovind requesting permission to publish it online. These emails were ignored for about a year until Hovind replied on January 16, 2000:

Anyone wishing to get a transcript of our current material to post on a web site or distribute to others is free to do so as long as no changes are made and credit is given including my name, address, and web site. Permission is given only for the most recent version to be posted.

Most recent version? Does that mean it earned him his most recent version of his Ph.D.? As Hovind's original thesis was not the 'most recent version', Evans wasn't allowed to take direct quotes from it.
` The same went for Karen Bartelt, who earned a Ph.D. in organic chemistry at Montana State, and who posted an online review of the thesis, which Evans had sent to her.
` Interestingly, Bartelt's own dissertation includes this paragraph:

"In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment for a doctoral degree at Montana State University, I agree that the Library shall make it available to borrowers under the rules of the Library. I further agree that copying of this thesis is allowable only for scholarly purposes, consistent with 'fair use' as described in the U.S. Copyright Law. Requests for extensive copying should be referred to University Microfilms International, 300 North Zeeb Road, Ann Arbor, Michigan, 48106, to whom I have granted 'the exclusive right to reproduce and distribute copies of the dissertation in and from microfilm and the right to reproduce and distribute by abstract in any format.'"

If you want to see how easy it is to find UMI's dissertations -- and the bulk of universities archive with this company -- check out the UMI search engine!

Karen Bartelt noted that one of Hovind's website FAQs, 'Where did you get your degree?' began with the idea that inquiries into his education often lead to an attack by 'evolutionists', and that:

They mistakenly think that by belittling the man they have answered his points and won the debate. When the opponent in a debate begins using ad hominem attacks, it is an obvious signal that they are losing the debate on facts and must resort to other means to try to save face or divert attention. It is also interesting to watch how the evolutionists will spend much time and effort scrutinizing a subject like my degree or credentials yet won't spend 2 seconds scrutinizing how ridiculous the evolution theory is! They truly strain at a gnat and swallow a camel. Matthew 23:24

Swallow a camel? Right. Scrutinizing evolutionary theory and looking for errors is what biologists tend to focus on for a living, but I know that's not what he means.
` After Hovind is done being defensive, he finally answers the question, although notice he doesn't mention that his degrees are in Christian Education. In fact, he doesn't like to mention this at all despite the fact that his profession involves being a pastor and talking about everything in relation to the bible.

... I finished my Masters (1988) and Doctorate (1991) degrees in education from Patriot University. At the time it was small Christian university [sic] in Colorado Springs that offered an extension program for people involved in full time ministries. I was taking courses from Patriot University (established 1980) while it was a ministry of Hilltop Baptist Church and offered a Ph.D. in education. ... Long after I graduated, Patriot became independent of the church, moved their offices into a house and dropped the Ph.D. in their education program. ...

Indeed, Hovind only needed three years to complete his 'doctorate', and it probably cost him less than $2,000, judging by Patriot's current prices. After defending Patriot University, he mentions his dissertation, which, note, he describes as being longer than 101 pages:

My 250-page dissertation dealt with the subject of the effects of teaching evolution on the students in our public school system. ... My itinerary is available from my office or on my web site, and any evolutionist interested in a public debate any place they chose [sic] is welcome to contact me to arrange a time while I am in their area. Since they think I don't have a degree, they can call me Kent, Mr. Hovind or even "hey you," if it will make them feel better. Since they don't think I am "properly educated" it should be easy for them to demonstrate how wrong I am....

It is, as we'll see, but that's beside the point. Such defensive writing shows that he must have been affected by the criticisms of his thesis. This, as we'll see, is not because these criticisms are ad hominem, as there is no reason to resort to ad hominem other than for amusement.
` I'd like to mention, though, that this FAQ has actually been deleted and then taken off the internet archive in September 2010, so although I have seen it in the past with my own eyes, I now only have others' copies of it to cut and paste from.

One other important detail -- how many pages did his thesis have? The document that Evans and Bartelt criticized was only 101 pages. Hovind told Evans in the aforementioned email:

My dissertation was originally about 100 pages. I continued adding material and it grew to 250 pages. Over the last 10 years I have constantly been adding material. It is now many hundreds of pages and will be put into book form as time permits.

Wait a second! I thought he said it was lost in a move, but now he's got it and is adding to it? Since a dissertation is finished and in the archive, that doesn't sound like one. Incorporating a thesis into a book is one thing, but it sounds like he's waiting to officially publish it when it's 'completely' finished -- it should already be published!

I had to see this document in order to judge for myself just whether it's meant to be a dissertation, and what it actually says -- thankfully, I found a PDF of it on Wikileaks: it exactly matched Bartelt's description, including the fact that it lists sixteen chapters and actually has only four.
` Not only that, but the 'almost quotes' (which Karen used to get around not being able to directly quote the thesis), were quite obviously from the same document.

But, hang on! Patriot Bible University denies this is Hovind's dissertation in their FAQ section, (beginning by incorrectly stating that Wikileaks is affiliated with Wikipedia), and that this whole thing started many years before when someone who claimed to be a fan of Hovind's called up to ask for Hovind's dissertation:

When told that Patriot does not retain student works he begged for “..anything you have by Hovind...I just love him so much I’ll take anything you have...”. In Patriot’s naivete a ROUGH DRAFT of his dissertation PROJECT was sent to the caller.

And then, suddenly, they found that "a scientist" had done a critique of it on the internet! This story seems to refer to to Evans and Bartelt.

An important point; if, unlike any normal university, they don't keep student works, then what were they doing with a rough draft of a pre-thesis?
` Also, this page says that Patriot University lets students distribute their own works at their own discretion. If this is so, then why would they send his notes/rough draft to the caller? Is there a way to make sense of this?

This is my top suggestion: The real purpose of this page is to generate some doubt for the idea that this document was even Hovind's 'original' dissertation in the first place, and to say that since they don't have copies of his 'real' dissertation anyway (and neither does Kent, evidently), then no one can check to make sure!
` Brilliant! Now how will Kent show anyone that he's actually earned a Ph.D.?

Another purpose of this page is to distract from the whole authenticity-issue by saying that:

The controversy and battle over Hovind's dissertation is not about the quality of his work. It is a spiritual battle over worldview. Evolution v. Creation. Man's "knowledge" or God's Word.

Before this claim can be substantiated, the page instead ends with a threat:

Those whose [sic] have chosen to reject the Savior will be cast into the lake of fire FOR ETERNITY. That is a long time. There are no “do-overs”. Eternity is longer than the 17 billion years evolution claims for the present age of the earth.

Whoever wrote this seems not to realize that a) 'evolution' is not an entity that makes claims, and b) there is yet to be any scientist who studies evolution or the rest of nature who will claim that the earth is as old as 17 billion years. (Quote-mining opportunity!) Trust me, they won't.
` They will, however, claim that the earth (and the rest of the solar system) is 4.5 billion years old, which is only about 1/4 that amount of time. This figure comes from the results of many independent dating techniques on the earth and its inhabitants, as well as the moon, meteorites, and the sun.
` Furthermore, the astronomical sciences show that, for example, judging the rate that space is expanding, the entire universe was a singularity between 13 and 13.5 billion years ago, and so no object in the universe can even be 17 billion years old.
` If you look this information up yourself, you'll see that whoever wrote this page does not know how to use a search engine before writing down their blind assumption as to what scientists actually think or have found.

My other observations about this page include more typographical errors, and at the bottom, a touchy-feely Jesusy video that automatically starts playing and cannot be stopped, and is apparently placed there in order to distract people from the supposed purpose of the page.
` Which brings the question; what has the validity of Christianity (or the warning that non-Christians will burn for eternity, much less distracting videos) got to do with whether or not Kent Hovind's dissertation is the real thing?

That's right, it doesn't, as it neither addresses the criticisms nor defends Hovind's reputation.

Yet, remember that Hovind himself said that the original dissertation was about a hundred pages -- this document is 101 pages long! This would very much seem to indicate that, not only is this Hovind's original dissertation, but that he isn't finished with his degree, either. (Maybe he's had more time for that in prison?)
` Judging by reading this 'masterwork', Hovind had also thought that by achieving its 101-page length with help from the powers of double-spacing, increasing the margins to two inches, heavily padding it with three-inch margin quotations, repeating himself needlessly and rambling aimlessly, that it somehow came off as more impressive.

My next point is -- you guessed it! -- that the length of the thesis is not nearly as important as its content, and that is what this five-part blog series is really about. After all, work like Hovind's is the very epitome of wild distortions being claimed to amount to evidence.

As I've stated, a dissertation must be original research -- for example, Carl Sagan's dissertation predicted that the planet Venus would be as hot as it is because of the greenhouse effect. This was an important addition to our body of knowledge, and it turned out to be correct. (Incidentally, it was also 85 pages, single-spaced.)
` Kent Hovind's dissertation, as you will see ahead, contains no original research, as he freely admits in the introduction, and it is so badly researched and written that if it were a high school book report it would receive an 'F'.

Which brings one more question before I begin dismantling this document; what kind of thesis committee would let Hovind pass? The dissertation says it is written to be reviewed by Dr. Wayne Knight, who is currently the president of Patriot Bible University.
` I'm not sure of the size of this school when it was sending Hovind books, but when I went to its website (last updated in 2006), it listed six staff members, no teachers (except for the Holy Spirit and some Christian authors), and I also found that its current location is indeed listed as a residential address.

Patriot's website informs us that it is accredited by Accrediting Commission International, which (at least according to Degree.net), is a corporation which is not recognized by either the Council for Higher Education Accreditation, the United States Department of Education, UNESCO, and other education departments around the world .
` According to John Bear, the FBI's principal consultant and expert witness on diploma mills and fake degrees for 12 years, the ACI was known as the IAC until it got busted:

In 1982, there opened for business in Missouri the International Accrediting Commission (IAC). They aggressively marketed their accreditation services among hundreds of then-unaccredited institutions in the United States. Their standards were rather modest, but they were operating within the law, and they were able to bestow that magical word "accredited" upon their clients.

More than 130 institutions had achieved IAC accreditation by 1989, when one Eric Vieth established the Eastern Missouri Business College and immediately applied to the International Accrediting Commission. Vieth opened his headquarters in a one-room office in St. Louis, Missouri, and issued an eight-page typewritten catalog that listed faculty members such as Arnold Ziffel, Edward J. Haskell, M. Howard, Jerome Howard, and Lawrence Fine.

Trivia buffs may recall that Arnold Ziffel was the pig on the TV show Green Acres, Eddie Haskell was the obsequious friend on Leave It to Beaver, and the Messrs. Howard, Howard, and Fine were collectively known as the Three Stooges.

It gets better. The college seal was emblazoned with the phrase Solum pro Avibus Est Educatio, which means "Education is only for the birds," and the motto was Latrocina et Raptus, or, loosely translated, everything from petty theft to highway robbery. Doctorates were offered by mail in dozens of fields, from aerospace to marine biology. The marine biology textbook was identified as The Little Golden Book of Fishes.

Unlike what you may have been imagining, Eastern Missouri Business College founder Vieth was wearing a white hat. As assistant attorney general for the state of Missouri, he had set up this clever sting operation. And when the head of the International Accrediting Commission stopped by, had a quick look around, accepted a cashier's check, and pronounced the East Missouri Business College fully accredited, he was immediately slapped with an injunction and was ultimately fined heavily and ordered to shut down his agency.

End of story? Sadly, no. Immediately after the closing of International Accrediting Commission, there opened, the next state over, in Beebe, Arkansas, the Accrediting Commission International (ACI), which immediately invited all of the IAC schools (except, presumably, Eastern Missouri Business) to become automatically accredited by ACI.

Sure is hard to slip through their fingers! I also found that, according to the ACI itself:

We are primarily a religious school accrediting agency. Due to the views of most of our schools concerning the separation of church and state, we have never applied to the U.S. Department of Education for any affiliation with the government.

And until they do, they will be free to continue accrediting dubious universities. Aside from its own questionable credentials, is there any reason to think that Patriot Bible University should be considered a respectable institution?
` Considering the fact that anyone from there could possibly accept Hovind's ramblings -- full of gross spelling, grammatical, punctuational, and most of all factual errors, with no formal citations at all, nor footnotes, and with page numbers hand-written in every ten pages -- as an actual doctoral dissertation, I submit that it is not.

Even if this document is a rough draft, as Patriot claims, or simply unfinished, as Hovind claims, it is not based on reality enough to be salvaged into something that is even remotely respectable, as I will shortly demonstrate. (As I have decided to divide this into five parts, almost all of my demonstration will come after this post. Sorry for the inconvenience.)
` As a reference, I have reproduced most of Hovind's dissertation in this series, and am working from a PDF of the original material, which I downloaded from the Wikileaks page, thanks to uTorrent, although I later found that the PDF can be more simply viewed on Ratbags.com.
` Feel free to judge it for yourself.

Before I break the skin of this document, I would like to remind my Arch-Rival that the only word I am trying to shake his faith in is the word of this man, and by extension, anyone who publicly espouses the same false claims.
` It seems unlikely to me that anyone who takes Hovind seriously would change their opinion of him, but if they are curious and patient enough to read through this series of criticisms, they may wind up with some idea of an outsider's perspective.

Far from being one long ad hominem attack, or an attack on Christianity or spirituality, this is a legitimate (and thoroughly-referenced!) criticism of the quality and factual content of Hovind's work, which demonstrates that he has neither the credentials he claims, nor that he should be taken seriously as an authority on history, science, or even religion (particularly ones that aren't his own)!
` Here it is:

Dissertation for Doctor of Philosophy In Christian Education

This heading would have been the title of Hovind's thesis, but it has none. This is presumably because his thesis also lacks a subject to which one can assign a title.
` Although it is supposed to be about "The Effects of Teaching Evolution on the Students in our Public School System", which is a legitimate subject for an advanced degree in education, this thesis largely consists of off-topic rumination.

On the Dedication Page (actually more than one page), Hovind mentions that he's not even the one responsible for typing it up! This is a most unfortunate thing for one's thesis committee to find out, so it's quite bizarre for someone to trumpet in the first words of one's thesis:

I can think of many people who have been influential in the production of this book. Miss Kim Van Gundy spent countless hours typing, correcting and retyping the manuscript.

Let's just say, we'll see just how well Kim Van Gundy has helped in the correcting department, as well as the sentence-structure department:

My Mom and Dad supplied the computer for this work to be done on. There have been many times they financially supported my ministry.

Wait -- if he typed this himself on his parents' computer, then why did he need Kim Van Gundy and her typewriter? Also, if he used a computer for this, even back in 1991, I would expect it to have spell-check!
` Also, why would he even need his parents' help, considering that he was 38 at the time, with a wife whom he thanks for all his infernal reading of books, as well as his three children, whom he also thanks for helping him set up and pack up at his lectures.

Most of all I must thank my Lord Jesus Christ for patiently working with me and equipping me for the work of the ministry.

Apparently, Jesus didn't have spell-check either, nor the ability to help him correct all of his masses of egregious factual errors, which we'll see soon enough. (Honestly, I couldn't blame Jesus for not helping this guy.)
` But first, let's look at his introduction. Notice that it starts out very much like his lectures, and not at all like a serious dissertation:

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation/science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976. I’ve been very active in the creation/evolution controversy for quite some time. ...

It is my burning desire to help Christians get back to a simple faith in God’s Word. Satan’s method has always been to instill doubt in God’s Word. The first sentence that came from Satan that is recorded for us in the Bible is: “Yea, hath God said?” He started by questioning God’s Word in the garden of Eden. It worked there so he has used it ever since.

As I seem to recall, my Arch-Rival himself has told me that the serpent in the Garden of Eden was just that -- a snake. After all, if the bible says it's a snake, then why add an interpretation?
` As we'll see in Chapter One, this whole 'Satan in the Garden of Eden' thing is how Hovind uses the bible as 'evidence' that Satan spread the 'doctrine of evolution' to Adam and Eve and then on to the rest of humanity. He then argues that various religions, cultures, historical events, and even science, are linked to the snake's words as written in the Book of Genesis.
` Hovind's critics (like me) have a problem with how he argues this, rather than that he argues this, so I'll let him walk us through at his own pace:

In the twentieth century the major attack Satan has launched has been against the first eleven chapters of Genesis. He knows that the entire Bible stands or falls on the validity of these chapters. I believe that the Bible is the infallible, inerrant, inspired, perfect Word of God.

Interestingly, Hovind's faith plus his claim that Satan is part of, and personally agrees with, his interpretation of the bible, would seem to serve as the foundation for this entire dissertation, as it is very noticeable in the way he presents his evidence fragments.

In this book I’ll be covering, in a nutshell, the creation/evolution controversy. I will explain why it is so important, the effects that the theory of evolution has had on our society, the creation alternative, and what we should do about the problem. I will try to answer questions that modern science has raised from a Scriptural viewpoint.

Except, as we'll see, he doesn't ever get around to that -- at least not in his first four chapters!

I have been saved for twenty-two years by the blood of Jesus Christ, God’s Son. I believe that God’s Word is infallible and flawless in every detail. If the Bible says that something was created a certain way, then that is just the way it happened.

Again, he's stating what he has faith in, and then he seems to contradict himself:

Now, as a science teacher, I want to keep an open mind and understand why, how, and when God created the earth, if those things can be known. There are some things we cannot understand, and some things I believe that we can.

So, does that mean he'll keep an open mind just in case it didn't happen the way the Bible says it did? I'm actually not sure what he means by this, so if my Arch Rival could help me....
` A scientist, I should mention, is trained to figure out how something has occurred, rather than to throw up their hands when they don't know the answer and say, "I give up, therefore it's evidence of my inner convictions!"

That is really what science teachers ought to teach their students -- especially if they claim to have been teaching for fifteen years! -- although, I should mention that Hovind only taught at private schools, and according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, "private school teachers do not have to be licensed but may still need a bachelor's degree."
` Hovind doesn't even seem to have a real bachelor's, much less a Ph.D, and here's his own admission that his 'thesis' is not original research:

I will be quick to point out that “there is nothing new under the sun” Most of my ideas are the result of the input of hundreds of Godly men and women through the years. I have attempted in this book to simply explain the things I have learned through many years of studying both science and the Bible.

In other words, this is not a thesis -- it's largely a rehash of what he's learned, not adding to our knowledge. Basically, it's like a book report on all the books he's read from his correspondence courses at Patriot (and, I could add, a rehash of his radio shows and presentations). Already, it's disqualified as being a doctoral dissertation, yet it goes on:

Many things I can document and verify with the “experts” (whatever an expert is). Some things in this book I couldn’t prove to anyone.

How can anyone verify something with an expert if they don't know what one is? Also, is he bragging that some of his ideas are unacceptable to anyone but him? If he can't prove some of these things to anyone, then why are they in his dissertation?
` Instead of a table of contents, he talks about how the 16 chapters of his thesis were inspired by the topics he spoke about on his radio show.

Each broadcast dealt with a different topic. We have selected some of the most helpful topics and developed them into chapters toward this book.

Helpful to make his case, perhaps, but not the most relevant to the subject. In any case, only four of these chapters were finished by 1991, which can only mean he had completed his Ph.D. -In-Progress, right?

Several legitimate questions about the creation account given in the Bible need to be answered. Number one, "Don't all scientists believe in evolution?"

As one can notice, that question has nothing to do with the bible. To answer it, though; modern biologists accept evolution because they understand what it is, understand what one should expect to see in the world if it's true, actually see those things in the world, and thus have no need to "believe in" it.
` People like Kent, however, don't show any glimmerings of recognizing the difference between their own definition of 'evolution' versus what evolution-studying scientists would call 'evolution'. In any case, that's a whole topic that a thousand blog posts would not cover.

One may recall that there is a certain notorious petition which asked scientists if they agree that evolution should be questioned and analyzed. First of all, since all scientific theories must be put under intense scrutiny at all times, and since more details concerning evolution are being discovered and studied, it is being scrutinized in ways it's never been scrutinized before.
` Second, that's the way things are supposed to be in science, so what kind of scientist would disagree with whether evolution should be questioned and analyzed?
` Note that this tells us nothing about whether or not these scientists thought that evolution makes sense, but the screwy part is that creationism proponents claim that this was the question being asked. (There's also more to this, but I'll have to get to it in some other post.)

To be sure, before 1958, when Darwin and Wallace first told the world of their powerful and predictive theory of evolutionary workings, other people couldn't have accepted this theory because they hadn't known about it.
` To say that great minds like Galileo did not accept that life forms evolve is meaningless because they lived before Darwin and Wallace had explained how it could even plausibly work. True, there had been some notions of "evolution" before Darwin and Wallace, but these ideas lacked any plausible mechanism, so who would believe them?

While all of the evidence is not in yet, I feel it is still the, [sic] best option to take God’s word at face value. The Bible has never been proven wrong yet, and I believe it never will be.

It's great that Hovind believes the bible is not only God's word but is so undistorted that it can definitely be taken more or less literally at face value. Let's just say, people who study the bible's history would very much disagree, for countless reasons.
` To take a random example, I was recently reading this AP article about a group of bible scholars, many of them Orthodox Jews, who have been at work for 53 years on a very special project at Hebrew University in Jerusalem -- tracking every single change that has been made to the Old Testament.
` When I say studying the bible, I mean studying the bible:

This is an endeavor so meticulous, its pace so disconnected from that of the world outside, that in more than five decades of work the scholars have published a grand total of three of the Hebrew Bible's 24 books. (Christians count the same books differently, for a total of 39.) A fourth is due out during the upcoming academic year. ...

Bible Project scholars have spent years combing through manuscripts such as the Dead Sea Scrolls, Greek translations on papyrus from Egypt, a printed Bible from 1525 Venice, parchment books in handwritten Hebrew, the Samaritan Torah, and scrolls in Aramaic and Latin. The last member of the original team died last year at age 90.

The scholars note where the text we have now differs from older versions — differences that are evidence of the inevitable textual hiccups, scribal errors and other human fingerprints that became part of the Bible as it was passed on, orally and in writing. ...

The Book of Jeremiah is now one-seventh longer than the one that appears in some of the 2,000-year-old manuscripts known as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Some verses, including ones containing a prophecy about the seizure and return of Temple implements by Babylonian soldiers, appear to have been added after the events happened. ...

It is this kind of study, rather than belief, that causes people to come to this conclusion. So, what role does belief play in this work?

"A believing Jew claims that the source of the Bible is prophecy," said the project's bearded academic secretary, Rafael Zer. "But as soon as the words are given to human beings — with God's agreement, and at his initiative — the holiness of the biblical text remains, even if mistakes are made when the text is passed on."

In contrast, there are no arguments in Hovind's thesis which support the idea that the bible can be taken at face value other than his claim "I believe". Needless to say, when your whole thesis rests on the assumption that the bible can be taken at face value, and yet you fail to support this assumption, then saying that you believe it's true does not substitute for an argument.
` The next section up for analysis is Hovind's first thesis chapter, 'History of Evolution'. I'm not sure when I'll be finished with it, considering that school will probably interfere, but let me warn you all first; it's much longer than this blog post! (As are the other three chapter analyses so far!)

I do think that this post is long enough, but as I didn't type out every bit of the text, I did leave out parts which I could have commented on but didn't think they were particularly important. Especially in comparison with what's coming up.
` Still, questions/potential corrections/comments always welcome, even ones that contain insults and death threats -- my favorites!

(Of course, sometimes it gets out of hand, which is why I'd like to thank the Montreal Police, for arresting this guy, who's actually sent hundreds of hate-filled spam emails my way! Thanks, David Mabus, for saying you'll chop off my head! I feel so special now!)

Well, off to work on the next post in this series....

(Edit: I'm done! Please go here for the next section!)

This is why I aspire to educate the world!

Here are just three people who have done much to motivate me in my quest to educate the world! Here's a woman who apparently doesn't know the difference between the moon, and... well, just watch!



Ignorance is just one path to fallacious reasoning, but it's an entertaining one sometimes! Here's a woman who apparently doesn't know what embalming fluid is:



Yes, out of all places! And just so you don't think I'm picking on American women, here's a Saudi Arabian man, although at least he went on to win a lot more money:



Look out, world! I'm coming to rescue you from rampant ignorance so that terribly embarrassing tragedies like these come less frequently!

Just as soon as I make a name for myself...

The Amazing Exploding Sea Vagina -- MYSTERY SOLVED!

I thought I'd already posted this last week, but since I have not, there's been more dead space than intended, and also, this is new to you!
` This video was brought to my attention by my former roommate Mike, only a couple of weeks before he and Joel moved out. (We have a new roommate moving in today already!) He asked me if I thought it was real. It is fairly obvious to me that two different types of special effects are used, as neither type even registered to me as being the same 'creature'.
` First, CG is apparently responsible for the several 'creatures' as they rush over the rock and out of view. Then, a realistic puppet is used for the one that isn't escaping but rather sitting quite still. When the young men flip it over, it has no apparent way of moving so quickly, but rather, some sort of vagina-like opening, which they then pour soda into until it squirts, then explodes.
` I said it looked like some sort of professional grade special effects, probably with some sort of overt sexual message, but I had no clue what the purpose of it would be. Watch for yourself:



Oh yes, there were many comments along the lines of "she squirts!" and so forth. Some people thought that these things were real, citing the fact that new species are being discovered all the time, and that the squirting/exploding looks so real that it can't be CG.
` Those things are beside the point -- the one that squirts/explodes is a puppet, and you can see the way they edited the close-ups that they're probably hiding people's hands or perhaps other mechanisms controlling the puppet.

I wasn't sure what else to make of it, and the only person I could think of to ask was....



That's his latest video -- he says he has another on the way. Can't wait! I posted my question on his Facebook page, and here's what happened:

• 

  Nicholas Gunther Schaefer I believe that this may have been an attempt to find a loophole in the Japanese law requiring genitalia to be pixelated in porn.

  January 29 at 7:51pm ·
• 

  Spoony Quine I've never heard of Japanese porn being pixellated, from uh, colorful descriptions I've heard, yes, that's it, but you know, that's a good point: They might be doing this to see how much they can get away with! I mean, come on, it even squirts realistically! Lolol!

  January 30 at 5:45pm ·
• 

  Captain Disillusion Uh, nice guesses :P. But looks like this is one of a series of short films by famous Japanese horror producer Taka Ichise (The Ring, The Grudge). It's called "Mystery Meatballs" and you can watch the full version (and the other films) here: http://www.urahorror.com/

THANKS CAPTAIN D!!! He's the greatest, isn't he, folks? (Mystery Meatballs is up on the right-hand stack of TVs on that web page.) I gotta hug that guy, seriously. He's the best. He goes to TAM every year, I think, so maybe I'll meet him when I finally go there!

The Spanish Spongebobs: ¡Traducir los Bob Esponjas es muy divertido!

Believe it or not, this 'stupid video post' actually does have something to do with what I'm learning in college. I'm almost done with fall quarter, and am about to have the time to share my more serious articles, and even other schoolwork.
` But, for now, I thought, just to update this blog if nothing else, something of a less serious nature.

You see, October 19, 2010 was the best day ever of my life, because I had just gone through a childhood developmental stage attained by most people at 2 1/2 years old, thus acquiring some more efficient brain-processing skills. Unfortunately, my life quickly went downhill for other reasons despite this (i.e. I got the flu, my favorite cat died, etc).
` On the best day ever, however, I remembered having seen on YouTube the title, 'Spongebob Squarepants -- The Best Day Ever', so I found the 'sing-along' version on YouTube, which featured such strange sights as Spongebob with an oversized butt flying through the water, leaving behind a rainbow trail.

'Dare I speculate?' I thought, having never actually seen the show.

However, in the sidebar, I noticed another title, 'Bob Esponja -- El Mejor de Los Dias'! This Bob Esponja sounded eerily similar to Spongebob, but it was in Spanish-Spanish, that is, the kind of Spanish spoken in Spain. (The most noticeable feature is the pronunciation of 'c' and 'z' as a 'th' sound.)
` This one wasn't a sing-along video, it only had still pictures, and also the song was different because it only consisted of the first verse and then had a bunch of dialogue.
` I thought it might be fun to try to translate the dialogue, but it would help if I could see what was going on. It would also help if I had the Spanish lyrics, but when I looked them up online, they did not match the ones I'd heard!

And then, I found out why:

I was going around YouTube, looking for a version that shows the original video and came across a completely different translation of exactly the same song, in a different key, as sung by a much different-sounding Bob Esponja -- this one with a Latin American accent!

I later looked this up on Wikipedia -- sure enough, there are both a Spanish and a Latin American version of Bob Esponja! I don't know why that is, but it is.

The first thing that popped into my head was, 'Great! Now I can listen to both and compare the two and from that, figure out what they're saying!' You know, kind of like the idea behind deciphering the Rosetta stone, but with Bob Esponjas.

Amazingly, I managed, with the power of listening intently, to figure out that he was talking to his pet snail, who I knew was like a cat, about the new generation of Crab-burgers, fishing for jellyfish with Patricio (whom at least I knew must be the sea star, Patrick), having a karate session with 'Arenita', whom I figured must be the squirrel in the diving suit, and then going to the clarinet recital of 'Calamardo' whom I figured must be a squid.

That's seriously all I knew. I felt lost in this pursuit, however, so I decided to go around YouTube, watching videos, and was able to confirm that much of this made sense. As for the show, I didn't know quite what to make of it.
` And then, I saw the chocolate-selling scene with the dried-up old lady! "You just can't wait for me to die, can you?" It was wrong on so many levels...



Hooray for lying! This, of course, convinced me to start viewing the show on Netflix, which we had just subscribed to at the time. Importantly, I decided to use my newfound mental skills to analyze it as TV shows are meant to be analyzed!

I liked the way the characters play off one another, especially the way that Spongebob and Patrick so greatly annoy the sarcastic Squidward (Calamardo) the bald, middle-aged, self-absorbed, curmudgeonly octopus (i.e. not actually a squid) who fancies himself to be an artistic genius trapped in a dead-end job, and who secretly wants to join in their silly games because they're so happy, despite being innocent and lacking in intelligence, while he's not.
` I also quickly figured out that the stupidity seen in the show is not the punchline -- it's the way they make fun of the stupidity. The inappropriate wholesomeness reminded me of the very twisted Strangers With Candy series (about a graying former prostitute back in high school), whereas the parts with fast-paced flashbacks reminded me of Family Guy, and then the weird tangential stuff was reminiscent of Monty Python. Other parts were... well... more special. In a short bus sort of way.

My mental health will never be the same.

Anyway, the show did help me translate what was going on in the songs. And do you want to know what I came up with? Well, I think I did fairly well, considering I'm only in Spanish Level 2 and haven't even formally learned the future tense. Of course, my instructor also helped me, but still, I got most of it by myself, even parts she couldn't understand!

So, I'll present the Spanish-from-Spain translation first, along with the Latin American Spanish version, so you can actually listen, if you dare:



Ya ha salido el sol sólo para mí
The sun has come up just for me
?? Qué día va a ser tengo que salir
What a day it's going to be, I have to go out
Saltar al fin de felicidad
To jump, at last, for joy
Es lo que tu descubrirás
It is what you will discover,
!Todos es especialo! (!Este ya!)
Everything is special (This already!)

¡Ey, Gary!
Hi, Gary!
?Mrao?
Mrao?
Te preguntarás por que es el mejor dia a mi vida?
You would ask why it's the best day of my life?
Porque, Gary, voy a ?? este maravilloso día trayendo al mundo a toda
Because, Gary, I'm going to ?begin this marvelous day bringing to the whole world
una nueva generación de deliciosas ?burgers Cangreburgers!
a new generation of delicious ?burgers Krabby Patties

Seguida ?? una vigorizante sesión de karate con Arenita al mediodía,
It continues ?with an invigorating session of karate with Sandy at noon,
Y una tarde de caza de medusas con Patrício donde estrena mi
And an afternoon of catching? jellyfish with Patrick where he'll first use my
poseción más prefiere y nueva ¡El caze medusa profesionál de lujo!
most preferred and new posession; the profesional deluxe jellyfish hunter!

Y por el gran final, ¡todos mis amigos más intimos
And for the grand finale, all my best friends
nos reuniremos para el recital la clarinete de Calimardo!
(we) will come together for Squidward's clarinet recital!

¡Estoy tan emocionado que creo que voy a explotarrrr!
I'm so excited that I think that I'm going to explode!

¡Todos es especialooo! (¡Este ya!)
Everything is special-o! (This already!)


I don't know what 'especialo' means, but whatever -- if any Spanish-speaker would like to comment on my translations, it'd be great.
` Oh yes, that's right -- translations-plural!: If that wasn't enough for you, here's the Latin American version, which is slower and easier to understand, and thus a huge help in translating the Spanish-Spanish version:



El sol ha salido y me ha sonreído
The sun has come up and has smiled at me
Que sería buen día me ha prometido
What a good day it will be, promised to me!
Salté de la cama con mucha alegría
Jumped out of bed with much happiness
Sintiéndome cómo nunca y
I'm feeling like never before, and
¡El mejor día es! (Best day ever!)
It's the best day! (Best day ever!)

!Hola, Gary!
Hello, Gary!
?Mrao?
Mrao?
?Preguntas por que es mejor dia?
You ask why it's the best day?
Porque Gary, comenzaré este maravilloso día dando vida a
Because, Gary, this marvelous day will begin giving life to
una nueva generación de deliciosas Cangreburgers!
a new generation of delicious Krabby Patties!

Seguida por una vigorosa sessión de karate con Arenita
It continues for a vigorous session of karate with Sandy
Y una tarde pescando medusas con Patricio donde revelaré
And an afternoon jellyfishing with Patrick where I'll reveal
mi más ?presciente preciosada posesión; el atrapa-medusas de lujo profesional
My most ?prescient precious posession; the deluxe professional jellyfish trap!

Y para el gran final, iré con mis mejores amigos
And for the grand finale, I'll go with my best friends
a presenciniar recital de clarineta de Calamardo
to be present at Squidward's clarinet recital!

Estoy tan emocionado yo creo que voy a explotaaar!
I'm so excited I think I'm going to explode!

El mejor dia eeeessss! (Best day ever!)
It's the best day ever!


And right when I was putting my paper together, I happened to go on YouTube (yes, for research purposes!) and I actually found the English version of this song, with the same dialogue -- it's actually just the beginning of an episode.
` Unfortunately, it was taken down the day after, but while it lasted, I wrote down what's in the original video:

Mister Sun came up and he smiled at me!
(The sun actually comes through his window with a -- ARRRGH! -- hideously cute smile!)
Said, It's gonna be a good one, just wait and see!
(Awkward pause where Spongebob and the sun stare at each other, then then Spongebob's bed GOES UP IN FLAMES, and Spongebob escapes the creepy underwater sun's fire just in time, and goes running around on the outside of his pineapple house.)
Jumped out of bed, and I ran outside, feeling so extra-ecstatified!
It's the best day ever! (Best day ever!)

(Spongebob find his pet snail on the roof and says,) "Hey, Gary!"
(Gary says,) "Mrao?"
(We can see what Spongebob is thinking via the magic of thought balloons.) "Why is it the best day ever, you ask? Because, Gary, I get to start this wonderful day bringing life to a whole new generation of delicious Krabby Patties! Followed by a vigorous midday session of karate with Sandy! And an afternoon jellyfishing with Patrick, where I'll unveil my newest, most prized posession, the Deluxe Jellyslayer Composite Pro!" (Spongebob demonstrates its capturing powers on Gary.)
"And, for the grand finale, every one of my closest friends joining together for Squidward's clarinet recital! I am so excited I think I'm going to explode!" (Gary backs away for safety purposes.)

Spongebob explodes and keeps singing, "It's the best day everrr!" while dorking it up along his way to work, and he is in such a good mood that he fails to notice that his workplace is covered in yellow tape that says 'Condemned' and giggles like a moron when he puts his hand on the doorknob.
` The video ends before we see his reaction -- well, I wanna see the rest! Better order some more Spongebob!

While the good-quality English language version of that video is down, I at least found a bad quality Latin American Spanish version of it... at least you can see what I was talking about.



Anyway, translating this all was indeed one of my Spanish projects this quarter. I hope it was... uh... special enough for you.

And if you think this was a horrible idea for a post, just remember that part of the reason I like Spongebob is because I went to Retard School and I have a tendency to love laughing at retards.

In any case, I have my Spanish class to blame!

Yeah, I'm blaming it on my education!

Hey... wait a second!

I just remembered, I left out one of my favorite characters. He's into world domination, like me -- it's Plankton, the one-eyed copepod! He also has an A.I., his computer wife, Karen, and a secret lab at the Chum Bucket, a restaurant nobody goes to because the food is that bad!
` Unfortunately, most of the Spongebob clips on YouTube are really not worth watching, so this was the best I could do:

Here's what happens when Plankton tries to be buddies with Spongebob -- of course, he's actually after Mr. Krabs' secret Krabby Patty recipe... but what they don't know is that Mr. Krabs is watching!

F is for Fire that burns down the whole town,
U is for Uranium bombs,
N is for No survivors...



Spongebob is such a moron, it hurts, and it hurts so much that I have that tingly sensation... no, it shouldn't stop!

Uhhhh....

This reminds me, I'll need to be getting back into gear for world domination soon. Be expecting that.

And, as a reward for making it all the way down to the bottom, I also found a video that reminds me of the Good Ol' (not really) Ghetto Days. Here's three short episodes of what Spongebob Squarepants would be like if all the characters came from the crackhouse I used to live at!

Are you ready, stoners? Ooooohhhhh... (cough! cough!) hold on, 'kay? Oooooohhhh, who lives in a bong in a dormitory?
SpongeBong HempPants
Disgusting and green and sticky is he....



Yes, for real!

I'm so sorry if this post is lame. Which it isn't. But if it were lame, I would apologize.

Ahhhh, I'm feeling more like myself now!

Well, I must be on my way. Finally, I'll have a real post next. But which one? There are so many to choose from by now....

Captain Disillusion - much more YouTubeFamous than Lou Ryan!

Lou Ryan may have been the first superhero I've been impressed with, and the only one I've ever been engaged to, but he's not the first whose YouTube appearances I've applauded.
` Late last year, before our terrible troubles with crazy roommates, cops, and all that, I discovered the chrome-skinned internet crusader Captain Disillusion, an expert in digital special effects who has effectively debunked many fake YouTube videos.
` I began writing about him here, but forgot all about my post when things got too scary -- so let me start again: The first video he takes a look at is a penguin bitch-slapping another penguin into the ice. I instantly noticed the way the penguin's slapping wing looked that it was fake, but apparently not everyone caught this.
` In the words of CD, "The footage is posted dozens of times over on YouTube... and yet I have never, not once, seen a single comment propose that the video might be an artifical special effect, and that worries me...."



I hope he sets that girl straight with Santa Claus and all that! Now, that was a nice, pleasant little non-challenging episode, and I see that he did this one first because debunking it offends nobody, and watching it gives one a feel for his style.
` Very clever.
` Of course, the value of 'debunking' is actually showing people how they can be fooled. I've tried to do that here, but not in nearly such a cool way as an awesome video.
` And as for his second episode, he begins, "Tonight, I'd like to talk to you about how creepy you all are...." Yes, apparently we humans have an affinity for making somewhat clever fake ghost videos -- this one is the reflection of the Japanese girl who looks in the mirror and turns away... but her reflection doesn't!
` CD says, "Kids, I know that there are times when not believing something you see feels really, really wrong. But don't worry, that's just your brain adjusting to the nice cold bubble bath of healthy disillusion. It's better than staying in the hot, muggy gazebo of gullibility. Just relax, let the bubbles do their work."
` Mmmmm, bubbles! That, I like!



We will see our old friend Mr. Motion Tracking in future videos as well. I guess that was a simple one to figure out. But this next one... the next one is just too easy! So easy that Captain Disillusion is angry!
` "Alright, come on, I'm not really angry, come back. I'm more disappointed. Disappointed in you. That's right. Aw, don't cry. Sometimes, it doesn't seem to take any effort for someone to make you believe a hoax is real. No special effects, no testimony, no shaky cameras, just... context."
` Wow. This is incredibly dumb, but several YouTube commenters are freaked out as hell. It's just a dog looking out a window with some electric blinds that 'move by themselves'. Run for your life! And the YouTube poster wasn't even serious about it being supernatural, either!



Why did he 'debunk' a video that needs no debunking? This is CD's way of introducing his viewers to the concept of being expected to believe a video is paranormal because of context, not because of the actual content!

His next 'debunk' is quite the opposite -- a very convincing-looking video of an alien spacecraft! What surprised me the most about this one is that the creator of this video, Barzolff814, let it be known in the news media about how the entire video was computer-generated using View 6 Infinite, which comes with the palm tree clones seen in the video.
` It didn't matter, though -- some people were still convinced it was real and it really freaked them out.
` So then, Barzolff created another fake video that is meant to show the first one is fake -- some people who still believed the first video was real were tremendously offended by it, not realizing that the second video was fake!
` And then, of course, CD just had to do his own version....



This next video is quite different than the last two -- there's nothing supposedly paranormal about it, it's just two guys and a pair of sunglasses. One appears to throw sunglasses and the other seemingly catches them on his face, in all sorts of creative ways. But, how do they do it?
` After all, "Special effects are, above all, a source of entertainment, and when they're used for entertainment purposes, I love 'em. Enjoying cinematic puzzles and then trying to figure out how they were created is good for the brain."



It isn't until the 'Fire Angel' episode that we meet Captain Disillusion's semi-sidekick, Mr. Flare. And boy is he pissed off!
` "I'm simple and easy to get along with," says Mr. Flare, "but you know what? That doesn't mean I'm worthless and don't deserve recognition and respect!"
` Captain Disillusion tries to stop the refraction's rage; "And you really like to travel, right?"
` "I sure do! I've been all over the world and present at some of the most important events in history." We are shown photos of this same optical effect: "The 2006 night launch of the space shuttle discovery, the launch of any space thing, really, The Police reunion tour, the re-enactment of the world trade center reenactment of the Iwo Jima raising of the flag by the Lafatette High School cheerleading squad. Hell, I've met most of these kids watching, although you wouldn't know it from the way they act!"
` "All right now, Mist..."
` "I'm not finished! They don't want to give me my due credit! They'd rather believe I'm some paranormal orb or ghost or angel! Well, angel my big refracted a..."
` He's right; this 'Fire Angel' example really is silly, and I'd be pissed off, too if I were a lens flare!



You might remember a blog post I did a couple years ago about the 'Cuervo Chupacabra' news segments. The first one was so hyped-up that the news reporter didn't give much credence to the wildlife expert who identified it as a mangy canine. The second news segment was a solid ten minutes of sensationalism until they finally revealed the genetic analysis... coyote DNA!
` When news reporters find a mundane event and then hype the mystery instead of actually getting to the bottom of it, or even reporting the most obvious explanation, it's called 'fluff', and local news programs have a lot of these segments because they compete with one another as well as with entertainment shows.
` Captain Disillusion did a fine example of such exposure of what is obviously a bug crawling around on a security camera, in the following way: "Using the latest video editing technology, I've altered the famous segment about the gas station ghost caught on security camera into the way it should have been produced had the journalist actually done her job."



This is the funniest one yet! Can Captain D outdo himself? I'm afraid he does. There are all kinds of crazy things in episodes, though I was most interested in the first widescreen HD episode, where where he went to The Amazing Meeting 6.
` The key speaker was physicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and all his skeptical colleagues were there, including the hilarious co-hosts of my favorite podcast The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, and the eccentric masters of illusion Penn and Teller.
` Captain D also exposes how a TV show in Germany plagiarized his footage of the sunglasses-catching analysis. Mr. Flare says; "I sure hope nobody floods them with angry emails!"
` After TAM, CD moves onto a home movie with low FLV compression, and shows how such low quality can do some strange things the producers offered prize money for duplicating. That was so incredibly simple-- and I've seen the same things on other low-quality videos! "Can I have the $25,000 now?"
` And then, of course... HOW DID HE DO THAT? He's Captain Disillusion, Penn and Teller in the same shot!



And his next episode co-stars famous skeptic and illusionist The Amazing Randi, for which The Amazing Meeting is named. Randi comes to the rescue after CD blows a gasket! (Actually, not really, it's just the script.)
` I think it's supposed to be kinda like Contact, although I don't remember that movie. In any case, I'm duly impressed by how Amazingly high Randi's pants are!



It's Vegas! But... wait.. it turns out that Randi's video debunk of the 'pantry ghost girl' wasn't quite right, either! That's right, all that production, and it still wasn't quite on the mark.
` Well, Mr. Flare wasn't "one to glow idly by while someone might be wrong on the internet!... So now, here to present the real answers, the guy who screwed it up in the first place...."



The last time I had checked out Captain Disillusion's website -- that would be for the first draft of this post -- this video had been the final one on the cue. Months had gone by, and I figured CD had planned something special.
` I was not disappointed -- finally, seven months after Pantry Ghost Girl, they finally finished producing the videos for TAM7, and there are five of them!
` Conveniently, they are all linked together by a... well, a link, shown near the end of the video, which gives you the opportunity to watch the next one. Watch out, though, it takes you to YouTube, so you'll have to backtrack if you want to get back to my blog.

At last, we get more into what TAMs are all about, and it's a parody of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to boot! I dig CD's silver skin! Oh yeah, and the shape-shifting shirt is pretty cool, too.



And yes, Michael Shermer really does sound like a muppet, I've seen him in person, as I've posted somewhere before on this blog.

In the second video, a dowser FAILS! And even worse, for CD anyway, Rebecca Watson, sexiest voice of Skeptic's Guide, gets married! NOOOOOOO!

Number three reveals what happens when scientific-minded people attempt performance art. "...The tsunami-like onslaught of noise! And the horrible, horrible silence." And, then, a Skepchick party! I dig the digitally-added drug paraphernalia, like the bong in Steven Novella's hand -- that's just too funny!

In number four, they discuss skepticism and ethics in stage magic. Teller and the others are seen discussing the ethics of Darren Brown's offering fake explanations for his illusions.

So finally, in number five, we get to Brown's fake explanation of using a group of volunteers to guess lottery numbers. But if we could really do that, a lot of people would!
` So how did Brown really predict the lottery numbers? He didn't. Apparently, CD has found that this trick involves the 'magic' of a motion control system!
` And then... Captain D's parody of the Carl Sagan remix Glorious Dawn! Love it!

Just last week, the most recent episode of Captain Disillusion was posted, in both 2D and 3D. He explores the 'Fantasy Files.' They appear to be football players doing amazing stunts to get you to put them on your Fantasy Football team -- but in fact, they are advertisements, and the ones Captain Disillusion looks at have really neat special effects!
` I also noticed that this one is called an 'Explanation' and not a 'Debunk'. It's true that a skeptic's job is to explore, not debunk, but in the world of fake YouTube videos it's the only thing one can wind up doing, because they're... well, bunk!
` So, let's check out the bunk... and a few crazy special effects frills, such as 70's green-screen technology!



Wait... is he implying that he has an illegitimate daughter? I ought to recruit her....

In the meantime, I've got to go. I have a lot of work to do, including creating more original content for this website -- I know what I should have done in the first place, and clean up my own 'exploring' act.

I'll be back with my plan once you have had enough of CD. And if you haven't had enough of him here, you can go to CD's YouTube channel for more videos, and perhaps by the time you are reading this post, there will be even newer ones!