Monday, March 01, 2010

Why have I failed to take over the world? A confession.

Oh, I think we all know the answer to that.

Because I haven't been trying! Not that I could have helped it.

One of my great plots involved becoming a superstar actress. You may recall this. I actually got a part in a movie pretty much immediately after auditioning for it. Apparently I was really good at acting terrified. I have the terror in me. In fact, the movie was called Spaceship Terror (by Harry Tchinski).

Shooting was to start more than a year ago, if I recall correctly, so it's been a long time past since this opportunity went by.

Sure, it was a low-budget film, but I was really enthusiastic because it was my first real 'part' in a movie. Plus, I would get to be graphically killed again, AND run around in underwear!
` But then, you may also recall that one particular jerk named Matty, with no conscience, who lied all the time, stole from me, had us shoot an entire music video for a band without telling the band (and telling us that the band knew but kept flaking out on showing up), threatened to kill Johnny the Slob (though I don't blame him), actually did kill someone in an auto wreck but didn't stop, and, well... is really messed up.
` This guy told me to not humiliate myself on camera, and that Harry Tschinski just wanted to use me for my body on camera and that's all I was to these filmmakers. Well, what was I supposed to do? Play some ugly chick?
` I was about to leave to go to the shoot, but in the end, I felt so ashamed that I could not live with myself, and I didn't go, leaving Harry to scramble to get someone else in my place. I felt so guilty for that, I did some bad things. Like, FOR ME bad things.

Yet, I never told anyone. Not even my darling Lou Ryan. It wasn't long before I realized what a jerk he was, and felt stupid for even listening to him, too stupid to tell anyone, except Harry.

It seems, I am recovering my trajectory by now. I no longer have Brad making me feel bad for going to school or blasting his music or the TV all the time in that house with no insulation, which could be heard loudly in every room, and outside as well.
` I had no home. I was displaced. There was no place for me. I had many nervous breakdowns, and the only time I had to vent was whenever I was driving (and not giving anyone else a ride) and I would SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS because of the constant music all the time.
` Not only did it rob me of all my thoughts, when I heard this music (or tried not to hear it) I felt as if I were hearing a wildly crying baby all the time, and there was nothing I could do. I don't know why I was feeling that way, all I know is that it was really upsetting, and I could not tell anyone because then I would be picked on.

Well, emotions don't make rational sense. They just are. Hence, my obsession with rationality to counterbalance the fact that I've had PTSD for most of my life. Even so, I was too embarrassed to tell Lou Ryan for some time, rock and roll superhero that he is.

Now, without being constantly thrust into anxiety attacks and the present moment, I can back up and look at what my plans REALLY are.

That's been how it is all along, right? They distract you away from your life, and you stop living, and you blame yourself for not being able to just block it all out and just do better, but how can you ever grow and learn new things and get away from the whole post traumatic stress disorder thing if you don't let a little of the world in? How can you change if you cannot learn or experience anything?

It is no wonder that I did not develop new habits while my old ones deteriorated.

I had no foresight or a sense of the world around me, but I'm starting to develop a decent amount of it by now.

Let's just say, though my relationship with Lou Ryan has been great, my life with him has been as bad as it could be. No more will we associate with low-life roommates who stiff us $900, or make up a story and call the cops on us, nor even pour their own urine all over the house.

It anyone is to live here, it will have to be... our own minions! We have one minion, and we really like him.

The other guy, well, he's not much of a minion. In fact, he blasts his music a lot, and despite all the sound paneling, it still is disruptive.

I will have to 'off' that one. Just as soon as I can find a replacement.

Well, I'm slowly rebuilding my mind. One neural circuit at a time. (Like I haven't always had to do that anyway?)

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