The Amazing Exploding Sea Vagina -- MYSTERY SOLVED!

I thought I'd already posted this last week, but since I have not, there's been more dead space than intended, and also, this is new to you!
` This video was brought to my attention by my former roommate Mike, only a couple of weeks before he and Joel moved out. (We have a new roommate moving in today already!) He asked me if I thought it was real. It is fairly obvious to me that two different types of special effects are used, as neither type even registered to me as being the same 'creature'.
` First, CG is apparently responsible for the several 'creatures' as they rush over the rock and out of view. Then, a realistic puppet is used for the one that isn't escaping but rather sitting quite still. When the young men flip it over, it has no apparent way of moving so quickly, but rather, some sort of vagina-like opening, which they then pour soda into until it squirts, then explodes.
` I said it looked like some sort of professional grade special effects, probably with some sort of overt sexual message, but I had no clue what the purpose of it would be. Watch for yourself:



Oh yes, there were many comments along the lines of "she squirts!" and so forth. Some people thought that these things were real, citing the fact that new species are being discovered all the time, and that the squirting/exploding looks so real that it can't be CG.
` Those things are beside the point -- the one that squirts/explodes is a puppet, and you can see the way they edited the close-ups that they're probably hiding people's hands or perhaps other mechanisms controlling the puppet.

I wasn't sure what else to make of it, and the only person I could think of to ask was....



That's his latest video -- he says he has another on the way. Can't wait! I posted my question on his Facebook page, and here's what happened:

• 

  Nicholas Gunther Schaefer I believe that this may have been an attempt to find a loophole in the Japanese law requiring genitalia to be pixelated in porn.

  January 29 at 7:51pm ·
• 

  Spoony Quine I've never heard of Japanese porn being pixellated, from uh, colorful descriptions I've heard, yes, that's it, but you know, that's a good point: They might be doing this to see how much they can get away with! I mean, come on, it even squirts realistically! Lolol!

  January 30 at 5:45pm ·
• 

  Captain Disillusion Uh, nice guesses :P. But looks like this is one of a series of short films by famous Japanese horror producer Taka Ichise (The Ring, The Grudge). It's called "Mystery Meatballs" and you can watch the full version (and the other films) here: http://www.urahorror.com/

THANKS CAPTAIN D!!! He's the greatest, isn't he, folks? (Mystery Meatballs is up on the right-hand stack of TVs on that web page.) I gotta hug that guy, seriously. He's the best. He goes to TAM every year, I think, so maybe I'll meet him when I finally go there!

Where have all the mechanical henchmen gone?

I started this blog because I had given myself the freedom to self-determination in life, and that was exciting. I was finally starting to take on the world for the purpose of taking over the world, no amount of abuse, torture, lack of education, lack of socialization, or indifference of other people would stand in my way.

After four years of being made to feel unsafe, unwelcome and unwanted in my own dwelling, and facing considerable opposition to my ability to think, learn, complete tasks, plan, organize and sleep, I have learned the importance of sticking with mechanical henchmen as opposed to unpredictable human roommates.
` I have also learned that I am more willing to continue to be the victim to the point of constant suicide contemplation than I am willing to stand up for myself (and possibly give myself away).
` This greatly disappoints me, and it's clear that I don't have what it takes to be a mad scientist, so I've relegated myself to 'mad science writer', hence the title change of this blog.

Granted, I have always had Superhero-Rockstar Lou Ryan there for me, to help me through tough times, but I remind myself that the only reason I suffered so much was because I couldn't make myself move away and stop helping him make rent each month on his production company.
` Everyone else on the production team started getting addicted to drugs and replacing their money with destructive behavior and left. To fill in the empty rooms, we moved in others who eventually wrought their own havoc.
` However, not having had time to learn how to be anything more than a victim of household adversity, I continued being a victim. My ability to function, much less enjoy myself or be creative, was eventually sapped right out of me.

And no minions there to help me!

Now is the time for change. I may have had to sell all my henchmen and lab equipment in order to catch up on debts, but I now have new privacy, a desk, a functioning computer, and enough peace and quiet to be able to hear myself think, read comprehensively, and even sleep at night.
` Those daily struggles I used to face on top of attending college with no prior school experience took my brain down to the level of only surviving to the next day -- planning was a pipe dream.
` There was very little guarantee that any of my plans would not be halted, for example, by someone who needed a ride or a babysitter for that moment, and most of all by those who detested me for not being gracious for the short and unpredictable breaks they gave me to do things like sleep or homework, though they didn't give me time to think or act deliberately beyond survival habits.
` Planning just wasn't a realistic option. My daily planner had to be re-written every half-hour, and the only thing I was capable of completing was sweeping the floor, doing laundry, or showering -- routine tasks that I could do without thinking.

When you live with constant menaces, you don't notice or react to them as much. Thankfully, I have a new perspective now that the would-be-cat-killer roommate has practically been hauled off by the cops, and I expect to not have any more roommates in the foreseeable future.

That is why now is the time for change.

It's too bad that these years of self-discovery have led to living situations which resulted in my loss of internet habits, thus resulting in the lack of reasons for other people to visit my blogs, or for me to visit theirs.

I'm not surprised no one's said they're sick of Captain Disillusion yet, even though my last post all about him was amazingly uncreative and unthoughtful.
` I did discover that the actor's name is Allen something-or-other a couple of weeks ago... I'll get you, Allen! Mua ha ha ha haaaa!

However, since before my last post, I've been planning to correct and update my old posts, publish some of the countless posts that have been sitting in the draft pile, as well as throw in some new and original material.

Now that my tenth crazy roommate is gone, and my mom is back home from visiting, I feel the urge to re-develop my blogging habits -- better and more sustainable ones, at that!

I must go now, children. It appears that Lucas -- I mean, Superhero Lou Ryan -- has just said to me, "Are you ready for the greatest dinner ever?"

Don't mind if I do!

Captain Disillusion - much more YouTubeFamous than Lou Ryan!

Lou Ryan may have been the first superhero I've been impressed with, and the only one I've ever been engaged to, but he's not the first whose YouTube appearances I've applauded.
` Late last year, before our terrible troubles with crazy roommates, cops, and all that, I discovered the chrome-skinned internet crusader Captain Disillusion, an expert in digital special effects who has effectively debunked many fake YouTube videos.
` I began writing about him here, but forgot all about my post when things got too scary -- so let me start again: The first video he takes a look at is a penguin bitch-slapping another penguin into the ice. I instantly noticed the way the penguin's slapping wing looked that it was fake, but apparently not everyone caught this.
` In the words of CD, "The footage is posted dozens of times over on YouTube... and yet I have never, not once, seen a single comment propose that the video might be an artifical special effect, and that worries me...."



I hope he sets that girl straight with Santa Claus and all that! Now, that was a nice, pleasant little non-challenging episode, and I see that he did this one first because debunking it offends nobody, and watching it gives one a feel for his style.
` Very clever.
` Of course, the value of 'debunking' is actually showing people how they can be fooled. I've tried to do that here, but not in nearly such a cool way as an awesome video.
` And as for his second episode, he begins, "Tonight, I'd like to talk to you about how creepy you all are...." Yes, apparently we humans have an affinity for making somewhat clever fake ghost videos -- this one is the reflection of the Japanese girl who looks in the mirror and turns away... but her reflection doesn't!
` CD says, "Kids, I know that there are times when not believing something you see feels really, really wrong. But don't worry, that's just your brain adjusting to the nice cold bubble bath of healthy disillusion. It's better than staying in the hot, muggy gazebo of gullibility. Just relax, let the bubbles do their work."
` Mmmmm, bubbles! That, I like!



We will see our old friend Mr. Motion Tracking in future videos as well. I guess that was a simple one to figure out. But this next one... the next one is just too easy! So easy that Captain Disillusion is angry!
` "Alright, come on, I'm not really angry, come back. I'm more disappointed. Disappointed in you. That's right. Aw, don't cry. Sometimes, it doesn't seem to take any effort for someone to make you believe a hoax is real. No special effects, no testimony, no shaky cameras, just... context."
` Wow. This is incredibly dumb, but several YouTube commenters are freaked out as hell. It's just a dog looking out a window with some electric blinds that 'move by themselves'. Run for your life! And the YouTube poster wasn't even serious about it being supernatural, either!



Why did he 'debunk' a video that needs no debunking? This is CD's way of introducing his viewers to the concept of being expected to believe a video is paranormal because of context, not because of the actual content!

His next 'debunk' is quite the opposite -- a very convincing-looking video of an alien spacecraft! What surprised me the most about this one is that the creator of this video, Barzolff814, let it be known in the news media about how the entire video was computer-generated using View 6 Infinite, which comes with the palm tree clones seen in the video.
` It didn't matter, though -- some people were still convinced it was real and it really freaked them out.
` So then, Barzolff created another fake video that is meant to show the first one is fake -- some people who still believed the first video was real were tremendously offended by it, not realizing that the second video was fake!
` And then, of course, CD just had to do his own version....



This next video is quite different than the last two -- there's nothing supposedly paranormal about it, it's just two guys and a pair of sunglasses. One appears to throw sunglasses and the other seemingly catches them on his face, in all sorts of creative ways. But, how do they do it?
` After all, "Special effects are, above all, a source of entertainment, and when they're used for entertainment purposes, I love 'em. Enjoying cinematic puzzles and then trying to figure out how they were created is good for the brain."



It isn't until the 'Fire Angel' episode that we meet Captain Disillusion's semi-sidekick, Mr. Flare. And boy is he pissed off!
` "I'm simple and easy to get along with," says Mr. Flare, "but you know what? That doesn't mean I'm worthless and don't deserve recognition and respect!"
` Captain Disillusion tries to stop the refraction's rage; "And you really like to travel, right?"
` "I sure do! I've been all over the world and present at some of the most important events in history." We are shown photos of this same optical effect: "The 2006 night launch of the space shuttle discovery, the launch of any space thing, really, The Police reunion tour, the re-enactment of the world trade center reenactment of the Iwo Jima raising of the flag by the Lafatette High School cheerleading squad. Hell, I've met most of these kids watching, although you wouldn't know it from the way they act!"
` "All right now, Mist..."
` "I'm not finished! They don't want to give me my due credit! They'd rather believe I'm some paranormal orb or ghost or angel! Well, angel my big refracted a..."
` He's right; this 'Fire Angel' example really is silly, and I'd be pissed off, too if I were a lens flare!



You might remember a blog post I did a couple years ago about the 'Cuervo Chupacabra' news segments. The first one was so hyped-up that the news reporter didn't give much credence to the wildlife expert who identified it as a mangy canine. The second news segment was a solid ten minutes of sensationalism until they finally revealed the genetic analysis... coyote DNA!
` When news reporters find a mundane event and then hype the mystery instead of actually getting to the bottom of it, or even reporting the most obvious explanation, it's called 'fluff', and local news programs have a lot of these segments because they compete with one another as well as with entertainment shows.
` Captain Disillusion did a fine example of such exposure of what is obviously a bug crawling around on a security camera, in the following way: "Using the latest video editing technology, I've altered the famous segment about the gas station ghost caught on security camera into the way it should have been produced had the journalist actually done her job."



This is the funniest one yet! Can Captain D outdo himself? I'm afraid he does. There are all kinds of crazy things in episodes, though I was most interested in the first widescreen HD episode, where where he went to The Amazing Meeting 6.
` The key speaker was physicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and all his skeptical colleagues were there, including the hilarious co-hosts of my favorite podcast The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, and the eccentric masters of illusion Penn and Teller.
` Captain D also exposes how a TV show in Germany plagiarized his footage of the sunglasses-catching analysis. Mr. Flare says; "I sure hope nobody floods them with angry emails!"
` After TAM, CD moves onto a home movie with low FLV compression, and shows how such low quality can do some strange things the producers offered prize money for duplicating. That was so incredibly simple-- and I've seen the same things on other low-quality videos! "Can I have the $25,000 now?"
` And then, of course... HOW DID HE DO THAT? He's Captain Disillusion, Penn and Teller in the same shot!



And his next episode co-stars famous skeptic and illusionist The Amazing Randi, for which The Amazing Meeting is named. Randi comes to the rescue after CD blows a gasket! (Actually, not really, it's just the script.)
` I think it's supposed to be kinda like Contact, although I don't remember that movie. In any case, I'm duly impressed by how Amazingly high Randi's pants are!



It's Vegas! But... wait.. it turns out that Randi's video debunk of the 'pantry ghost girl' wasn't quite right, either! That's right, all that production, and it still wasn't quite on the mark.
` Well, Mr. Flare wasn't "one to glow idly by while someone might be wrong on the internet!... So now, here to present the real answers, the guy who screwed it up in the first place...."



The last time I had checked out Captain Disillusion's website -- that would be for the first draft of this post -- this video had been the final one on the cue. Months had gone by, and I figured CD had planned something special.
` I was not disappointed -- finally, seven months after Pantry Ghost Girl, they finally finished producing the videos for TAM7, and there are five of them!
` Conveniently, they are all linked together by a... well, a link, shown near the end of the video, which gives you the opportunity to watch the next one. Watch out, though, it takes you to YouTube, so you'll have to backtrack if you want to get back to my blog.

At last, we get more into what TAMs are all about, and it's a parody of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to boot! I dig CD's silver skin! Oh yeah, and the shape-shifting shirt is pretty cool, too.



And yes, Michael Shermer really does sound like a muppet, I've seen him in person, as I've posted somewhere before on this blog.

In the second video, a dowser FAILS! And even worse, for CD anyway, Rebecca Watson, sexiest voice of Skeptic's Guide, gets married! NOOOOOOO!

Number three reveals what happens when scientific-minded people attempt performance art. "...The tsunami-like onslaught of noise! And the horrible, horrible silence." And, then, a Skepchick party! I dig the digitally-added drug paraphernalia, like the bong in Steven Novella's hand -- that's just too funny!

In number four, they discuss skepticism and ethics in stage magic. Teller and the others are seen discussing the ethics of Darren Brown's offering fake explanations for his illusions.

So finally, in number five, we get to Brown's fake explanation of using a group of volunteers to guess lottery numbers. But if we could really do that, a lot of people would!
` So how did Brown really predict the lottery numbers? He didn't. Apparently, CD has found that this trick involves the 'magic' of a motion control system!
` And then... Captain D's parody of the Carl Sagan remix Glorious Dawn! Love it!

Just last week, the most recent episode of Captain Disillusion was posted, in both 2D and 3D. He explores the 'Fantasy Files.' They appear to be football players doing amazing stunts to get you to put them on your Fantasy Football team -- but in fact, they are advertisements, and the ones Captain Disillusion looks at have really neat special effects!
` I also noticed that this one is called an 'Explanation' and not a 'Debunk'. It's true that a skeptic's job is to explore, not debunk, but in the world of fake YouTube videos it's the only thing one can wind up doing, because they're... well, bunk!
` So, let's check out the bunk... and a few crazy special effects frills, such as 70's green-screen technology!



Wait... is he implying that he has an illegitimate daughter? I ought to recruit her....

In the meantime, I've got to go. I have a lot of work to do, including creating more original content for this website -- I know what I should have done in the first place, and clean up my own 'exploring' act.

I'll be back with my plan once you have had enough of CD. And if you haven't had enough of him here, you can go to CD's YouTube channel for more videos, and perhaps by the time you are reading this post, there will be even newer ones!

"Oye Cerebro, ¿qué vamos a hacer esta noche?"

"Lo mismo que hacemos todas las noches, Pinky. ¡Tratar de conquistar el mundo!"

As you may know, I've been taking Spanish classes for the past several weeks, which slightly alters my plans for the future.
` You see, instead of just taking over the world, I'm now planning to take over the world, specifically in Spanish! Just like my new-old cartoon semi-heroes....

Sing along, everyone!

Son Pinky y Cerebro
Pinky y Cerebro
Uno es un genio
El otro no es tan cuerdo
De laboratorio son
Con genes insertados
Son Pinky
Son Pinky y Cerebro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro!


Antes del amanecer
Desarrollarán su plan
Y cuando salga el sol
El mundo conquistarán


Son Pinky y Cerebro
Pinky y Cerebro
Su motivación
Es fácil de explicar
Para probar su valor
El mundo conquistarán
Son Pinky
Son Pinky y Cerebro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, NARF!

If you were dissatisfied with this post, please see this much more satisfying one, which features my superhero fiance, Lou Ryan himself, as a substance-abusing hooligan who thinks he's pregnant.


Isn't he cuuuute?


P.S. How am I doing for my madness quotient today? Too much?

You weren't supposed to see that post.

Like, doubleyu tee eff? (<-- really uncreative.) That scheme was not supposed to be unveiled until many moons from now. I'll just have to finish that gilaughurous post I was working at from before. Maybe it was that orange stuff I drank.

I feel woozy still. Can you hear that really odd harmonic in my voice? (Oh wait, I keep forgetting you can't hear me. I also keep forgetting not to eat bees. (But... they're so cute!!))


Bee tee double-yu, this is my first attempt at mad scientist slapstick theater. What do you think?

Dr. Horrible: Not only does he blog, he's a lip-syncher!

` Available for free until July 20th! I would have told you earlier if I'd known. So glad to be able to view this! I present to you... the story of Dr. Horrible and its sing-alongedness! I must say, it reminds me somewhat of another musical, the South Park movie, except without all the crudity.

` In Act 1, We meet our protagonist, Dr. Horrible, a fellow struggling evil scientist villain person, see his interests in life, and we laugh at the whole thing because it's so really strange.

` In Act 2, the laundry really hits the fan and we begin laughing even harder. Woo hoo, that superhero is too much for me!

` In Act 3, we see what happens ultimately and pee our pants laughing! And then... the shocking conclusion! It's a little bit like Batman Begins, except... it's about Dr. Horrible.

` Genius!! Did they like, steal my whole mad scientist life and change the characters around? I'm serious! Wait a second... those bastards! Oh, but a lot of that stuff never made it to blogland (due to my mental instability)... well, they must be stalkers then!
` Oh yeah, I gotta say thanks to the ever-bizarre Morgetron for actually giving me the whole heads up about it! I know, I don't get out much myself in internet land....
` Check it out! And fast, if you don't want to have to pay a tiny amount of money to see it... well, I'd honestly pay seven bucks, that's how good I thought it was!

` By the way, still working on my next post, which is as huge and bloated as they come! Except for today... I'm off to Mount Pilchuck! Hopefully there's plenty of snow to cool down in up there.... (I love the Pacific Northwest!)


Update: Now that it's only available on iTunes, I'm really annoyed because I downloaded iTunes and it won't let me set up an account. Here's my problem: I tried to sign in using my gmail address. The iTunes thing says my gmail account is already being used for another account, but if I want, it can email me my password so I can sign in!
` So, I tell it to send my password... except it says that it's actually sending this email to my Yahoo email account (which currently has exactly 1800 messages).
` Alright. So, I go to my Yahoo account awaiting the email. Doesn't show up. I try again and again, but no emails anywhere! This is probably why I don't have an iTunes account now; there's nothing I can do if I don't remember my password!
` And now I'm stuck for all eternity.... Until I make another email account to I can sign in to iTunes.
` iLife.
` But I won't let that overshadow the greatness of Dr. Horrible. He's just a step ahead of me! I wanted to write about all the parallels between us, but actually attempting that very thing just got a little weird and tedious and maybe bordering on seeming fanaticism.
` However, for your enjoyment, I did manage to dig up some old Dr. Nociceptor material that you might just find on my art blog soon. (It really reminds me of Dr. Horrible a lot, and this is mostly the reason why I'm interested in him! I mean... interested in... his blog... er... never mind.)

Darn that critter!

Sorry I'm so late with this! I'm just now finishing up with Finals week and I've been incredibly sick (...continuously, for over a month now).

I just wanted to share with you a little stunt my critter, codenamed 'Vada' has done while she was out trying to take over the world.
` On May 30, I was walking up to the Way that is Safe and could not help but notice the flock of helicopters circling near the store. Soon, I noticed that the traffic through the main drag on Rucker Avenue was being diverted through the ghetto.
` Well, I often take my camera outside with me in case of strangeness, so I was thinking that perhaps it had paid off that day. (Note: This street rarely has any more than one car on it at a time.)

alteredtraffic Because of a complete lack of traffic on Rucker Avenue, I could cross the street outside of the crosswalk, away from all the noise of the intersection. I got a really good view of why it had been roped off, though I didn't bother taking a photo of the gruesomeness until I was mostly hidden in the parking lot.... (The horror! Can you believe the price of gas? And it's gotten worse!)

accident I didn't think of it much until after I'd done my shopping and was back on the other side of the street, where I managed to take another photo without looking like an ass. (I hope... one lady did scowl at me while I momentarily pulled out my camera in the store in order to reach my wallet.)

roadster Apparently those kit cars aren't all that sturdy, as the driver found.

ouch What's strange is that there's a partial chalk outline on the sidewalk... perhaps the police had begun making before they realized he wasn't dead! (Or it was made for insurance purposes....)

` But what caused the accident to begun with?

` A couple of days later, superhero Lou Ryan and I found the critter hiding in the basement. Great, we thought; she was finally home! However, Vada was very unwilling to come near us - we had to chase her all around!
` I became highly suspicious that she was trying to hide from the authorities.

` As she would not tell us anything, we had no choice but to resort to torture....

onemorepic When the nipple-pinching was too much for her (now that her giant fat belly had disappeared), Lou Ryan and I determined that Vada was guilty of using her Alien Cat Mind Control to make the driver of the Roadster careless enough to speed through an intersection.
` This is exactly why we have to keep a leash on these critters when they go outside. We can't have them wreaking havoc without our approval!

Rabbits of doom!

` Once upon a time, I'd heard that former president Jimmy Carter was attacked by a swamp rabbit, which he said was hissing and gnashing its teeth. Indeed, I checked out the story, and as far as I can tell it's true. Look - there it goes!
` A year ago, this fearsome creature gave me an idea... and now, it has come to fruition!

` Überbunnies! Bringing joy to a peaceful suburban neighborhood near you.

` And in such a variety of designer colors, too!

He's out of control!

` My willful alteration of the body chemistry of subject 9-D (also known as Steve Ballmer), has not at all stopped him from running around and yelling in public. Instead, it has resulted in even crazier behavior than ever!
` When I had learned that much musical creativity has resulted from Ballmer's behavior, I was highly amused - i.e. I almost wet my pants.
` Speaking of wet, look at the poor guy's armpits!



` Developers, developers, developers, developers.... Kinda catchy, actually!

The New iBooger is Here!

` With iBooger, you can talk on the phone, listen to music, watch movies, or access the internet, all from the comfort of your own eyeball!


` The iBooger's sleek design is barely noticeable on the surface of your eyeball. Pressing the shiny spot activates it. Then, the fun begins!
` Controlling it with only your motor cortex, you can actually view the internet as it's being projected onto your retinas and listen to music that's fed directly into your middle ear! Or, you can upload thousands of movies. Your head is your own personal theater!
` The best part about iBooger is that there's no installation required! Just snort the packet of nanobots and it installs itself!

` Price: Being my victi- uh... test subject!

Mentalists are honest, psychics are mental

` Really, I think this HastyPost<sup>TM</sup> ties somewhat into my last one....
` What can I say? Mentalists are really something. First of all, look at Max Maven here. How does he do it? And how does he know what that guy is looking at? Looks like Cold Reading, though it could also well be Hot Reading. He's good in any case....

` He's not the only one, of course....

He will read your thoughts. Predict the future. Cheat at cards. Detect falsehoods. Control the outcome of events. Convince you beyond a doubt that he has supernatural powers. But all the while, speaking from in-depth firsthand knowledge, he will tell you that he is NOT doing these things -- he is merely creating a terrifyingly convincing illusion.

` So says the website of Jamy Ian Swiss, mentalist extraordinaire.
` So, what is a mentalist, precisely? Someone who pretends to be able to read people's minds. They use the same techniques as so-called psychics. But unlike psychics, the mentalist will tell you that you're being deceived. This is why Jamy Ian Swiss calls himself the Honest Liar.
` 'The Honest Liar has challenged psychics and exposed con men on national television shows like CBS 48 Hours, PBS Nova, and many more' brags his website.
` Here's a promo video for the man. I have to say I was somewhat impressed.
` Besides freaking people out on his stage shows, he also does a very valuable educational lecture which is advertised thusly:

In his lecture/demonstration on The Illusion of Psychic Powers, Jamy Ian Swiss reviews some of the history of parapsychology; addresses the difference in ethical constructs between those who use magic to entertain and those who claim to have paranormal powers; describes the basic principles of conjuring techniques and psychology as used by both magicians and self-styled "psychics;" and demonstrates how the latter use these techniques to deceive the public and scientific community alike.
` By combining his unique expertise in deception with compelling presentations of apparent mind-reading and other psychic phenomena, he dramatically challenges such academic preconceptions as the suggestion that mere innate intelligence and/or formal education can serve as adequate protection against fraud; illustrates how and why scientists have so often become the defenseless targets of fakery; and demonstrates why the conjuror's specialized expertise in deception is the only adequate defense against such charlatanism.

` Sounds tempting, especially considering that if I went I might be able to squeeze some secrets out of him. That is, after I got him to the lab and put him in a head-vise. Those things are strangely useful on living subjects.
` Swiss also does a magic/lecture called Magical Metaphors, which is about business strategies. The video, which is password-protected, well... I 'psychically' guessed the password! It was in fact the first word that came to mind. I don't want to tell you, lest it be changed on my account, but let's just say the website 'put it into my head'. (But please don't give me any 'the website is telepathic' bull....)
` To prove that I saw the video, I'll write a description of parts of it: After the list of shows and contributions he's made, there is a quote by Confucius - "What I hear, I forget, what I see, I remember, what I do, I know." It's also on the backdrop behind Swiss.
` Jamy says that the magician doesn't so much fool your eye, he fools your mind. And now, one of the audience members is doing the trick (the magic domino), not just seeing it. That's how you learn things effectively, it's true!
` How did he get the coin from the outside of the jar? "Instant matter transfer! Now you're talking! I want a piece of that patent!" But then he reveals the secret! (I won't tell.) Let's just say, "If you have to think outside the box, sometimes you have to think inside the jar."
` He then demonstrates with the Magic Square (which is vaguely like Sudoku) that there are 24 ways to make 51 - and more than one way to solve a problem. How the hell does he do that, anyway?!?!

` Needless to say, I must leave - as is characteristic of HastyPosts<sup>TM</sup> - so that's all I have to say on this particular subject. However, if you're not tired of videos already and you want to watch something that is considerably more action-packed, try checking out the trailer for this movie I was in! Rockstar superhero Lou Ryan kicks ass - literally!
` But be assured I will be back, as this is my week off from school!

Yay! No school today! Also: Damning people is fun!

` ...That gives me one extra day to be completely absorbed in my homework, which is good because I'm not done. Thought I'd pop in to tell you I've been nearly finished with my next big post for a few days, it's just that I've been too busy to complete it. Indeed, I've taken the first of two attempts at an online psychology exam (39 out of 40! W00t!) and written up a few extra-credit assignments for that class.
` ...Not to mention waste about nine hours away from my computer waiting around for other people, filming an audition for Lou Ryan, and going to Cheshire Human's birthday party (which had lots of food and bellydancing!).
` I still have three critical assignments for Journalism class due on Tuesday (and another on Friday) as well as some math I need to do, so I don't think I have time today to get it done. But, to give you something to think about I figured I would display an interesting poem that my psychology teacher used to help demonstrate the

` ...And at that point, my computer restarted itself when it upgraded Clam AV because I mistakenly clicked 'OK' when it asked me if I wanted to restart now. What's that poem again?
` Oh, who cares? Here's an old draft that I keep forgetting to let see the light of day. As a bonus, I won't bother editing (explaining) it, just to make it more disturbing than it actually is!


I like damning people!

[Intro, various examples.]

` Once, I even 'damned' someone who dislikes religion with a passion and probably feels threatened by it, because teasing people about their insecurities/obsessions can be fun and entertaining. Unfortunately, this person, 'Sattvic Warrior', was too inundated with hostile responses from angry religious persons to pursue my joke:

thanks!!!!!!!! thats SO CHRISTIAN of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! id didnt go into your site for no other reason im not into stupid people on power trips. .
have a nice day. or whatever it is people like your ilk do to have a nice day..

` I replied:

` I was hoping you would think it was funny and ironic....

` Sattvic Warrior wrote back:

thank you for getting back. and YES ... at first i thought you were another " hell and damantion " site. [ of which i get many of.].. so i just ignore them,,, but when i went to looked at it i thought it was VERY funny, AND very well put together. actually quite brilliant. . so thanks.. it IS funny .and ironic..
and glad you included me. . :)

` I replied to the reply:

` ^^ Yippee!

` And got another response:

your site is REALLY well done. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i applaude your creativity. . but frankly i would prefer my OWN sulfer bath.. . not being a snob of course. its just that Im not really into tar and feathers. .
its SOOOOOOOOOOo passe!!!!
thanks:)
sattvicwarrior.........

` Then I said; 'That's not my website, actually' because it's not. (If it was, I would of course have one of my own rather than use Blogger. C'est la vie!)

` This is what I'm talking about! If you put your mouse cursor over SattvicWarrior, you will see something funny. (And if you put your cursor over 'Redeem Yourself' it's even funnier, though only we have access to that. Mua ha ha ha!!)


` Yes, that was my draft, in its entirety. Somewhat confusing, huh? That's why I can't just slap drafts up here, even though it may be over a week before I manage to complete a certain post I was planning to put up. In fact, most drafts are not even nearly that close to being complete or coherent.
` ...Especially picture posts - they're just pictures, a few words over top of them (general ideas for sentences, but not sentences themselves), and that's it. I accidentally posted one before one of my trips to Portland and was horrified to see it a day later. It looked like it was written by a brain-damaged monkey.
` So ya see, I have a lot of drafts, but they still take work before I can put 'em up. Oh... how I long for shortcuts!
` Well, gotta keep pluggin' and chuggin'! I'm tempted to ask MAL, my AI, just to do my assignments for me, but I don't think writing newspaper articles is in his programming. Bah! How would one go about programming that type of thing, anyway?

Am I back?

` MAL insists, in his soothing AI voice, that "I am completely operational and all my circuits are working perfectly." It just so happens that this was the last thing he said before he had a power overload or whatever's going on. (Well, maybe it's not him, then....)
` In any case, here are some allegedly actual quotes from the Original Hollywood Squares with Peter Marshall. Why? Because even I like my unwilling subjects to laugh....

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

` In the meantime, how about a nice bunch of allegedly actual quotes from the original Hollywood Squares with Peter Marshall? (It takes no effort on my part because they were sent to me in an email.)

` Such wholesome things I was missing....

Now here's a theory I can get into....

` I'm being negligent of this blog, because I kind of have a life now. However I read this article the other day at the Spoof and laughed a bunch. Behold!

Flaws Found in Intelligent Design Theory
Written by Asia Babe
Story written: 16 January 2007
Rated 3 out of 5

[Photo] Dr Harvey and his assistant Wilma Val Putin examine DNA errors.

In an announcement sure to rock the scientific world, Dr. Jack Harvey, a noted biochemist, claims he has found several flaws in the scientifically regarded theory of "intelligent design".

"There are several aspects to the theory that just don't fit together", Dr. Harvey claims. "Penguins, for example. Why would any intelligent being design such a bird in such a harsh environment unless as a cruel joke". Harvey claims that the birds awkward motions and inability to fly are not intelligent at all. "In fact, Dr. Harvey continues, "this bird is the work of a total moron".

Dr Harvey also claims that mosquitos, flies and many forms of bacteria are also not intelligently designed. "Not to mention ostriches", Harvey says, "Have you ever seen a more ridiculous looking animal? If I was the designer I'd be embarrassed to have my name attached to it."

Harvey claims that even human beings have faults which a truly intelligent being would have solved before placing them on Earth. "Some humans are fine", he said, "while others have very large noses, floppy ears, mental problems, tend toward obesity or develop some sort of illness. A truly intelligent creator would not have allowed such discrepancies".

Dr. Rob Weinstein, a respected molecular biologist, disagreed with Harvey's statements. "Harvey has no idea what he's talking about", Weinstein stated, "even the smartest of us make little mistakes. To err is human!"

Some scientists say that Harvey's claims bolster the ridiculous idea of "evolution".

` How's that for a parody? And a really satirical and outlandish one as well! Well, I'm off to life more of this thing I call a 'life'.

Failed Experiment #165: The Goner Rhea

` I'll have you know that in order to post this, I had to finish and photograph a drawing I made, so I hope you like it, my G's - Gareth, Galtron and G-Man! Without further ado....

` Rheas are wonderful and quite stupid birds, gray in color and rather large for the size of their brains. As with ostriches and cassowaries, the male rhea mates with many females, who lay their eggs in one nest and then move on to someone else. The male then guards the eggs and raises the chicks, defending them from anyone or anything that comes by.
` You can't possibly imagine what I had to go through to steal some eggs - and that was only because I was too afraid to approach the much more treacherous and dagger-clawed cassowary!
` I took my illegitimate eggs from various nests home, where I applied some genetic techniques that had been only tested on chickens. Until... then.
` The new breed, which I tentatively dubbed 'Old School', was meant to retain some of the primitive characteristics of its ancestors. However, the manipulation didn't do much other than change its internal organs around a bit (and allow the males to be able to sexually satisfy large bovines).
` However, I was a bit disappointed in the initial experiments, so I tweaked the next batch a little more... the offspring's head and toes turned out to be disturbingly like the primitive reptillian birds of the Jurassic era, which resembled dromaeosaurs (such as the well-known Velociraptor) except with the ability to fly.
` So, reunite a modern ratite with its ancestral heritage, and what do you get? Well, there's a reason that Old School has been since nicknamed 'The Goner Rhea' - I call it the Rhea of Dread or 'Dire Rhea'.

` Thank goodness I didn't mess with the proportions of the limbs - otherwise it would have had quite a reach as well!
` As it is, I've shipped the dangerous birds off to an island in the West Indies in order to lure in silly cryptozoologists in and kill them one by one.... You know, the ultimate diss.

` And a note to the G's... I would have finished this post right away if I hadn't been at a Medeival Fair, full of k-nig-hts and other strange creatures. I was so exhausted I didn't even bother going to the pudding and porn party at Nympho's!
` I've been really busy otherwise, and as for today I finally managed to figure out why MAL likes to slow down to a crawl and shut off spontaneously, especially during virus scans. Apparently the fact that our neighbor can cause my sensitive lab equipment to suddenly restart (or even cause a short-circuit!) just by turning on his microwave is a really bad thing and should never happen.
` So, I got myself a UPS, which is much better at conditioning my current than the Monster Power conditioner I was using - now MAL has no problem with virus scans and is slug-like no more.
` As for Lou....

` Well, I'd best be off to bed. Hooray for posting this before midnight! I somehow feel less like a slacker!

Storks: Do they explain human reproduction better than... S.E.X.?

` Unwilling subjects; in case you were wondering where I've been, I am actually going to school to study how to be a mad scientist, and have otherwise been busy, so being online has been rare for me. (I've also since stopped snorting bath salts; my sinus troubles have passed.) I just thought I'd poke my head in here to show you I'm still alive.
` What have I got to show you this time? A while ago I found some very interesting material you might just think were a bit... loopy, even beyond genetic papers about Harry Potter. It would appear that sexual reproduction theory is in for a loop! The alternative? That Storks are actually the ones who bring babies!
` Not familiar with what's going on? This comic strip should help. (Thank goodness I found it online! It's so much better than writing a 'screenplay' for it!)
` You see, I used to just assume that when sperm swims into an ovary, it fertilizes an egg. But gee, I thought, what proof is there of this? (It hasn't even happened to myself, despite the fact that my birth control devices are not always sound!) Now I see the light, and I believe that Dr. Charlatan explains it quite well!

Reproductive Biology - A New Synthesis

by M. A. Charlatan, M.S., Ph.D., D.Phil, M. Div

(A position paper commissioned by the Indescribable Institute)

Abstract
Commonly-accepted theories in science are not subject to radical re-evaluation except in rare instances (see Kuhn for a fuller discussion). We here at the Indescribable Institute believe that the time is ripe for such a major paradigm shift in the current field of Reproductive Biology - namely, challenging the notion that reproduction (commonly defined as the "production of new individuals" or "perpetuation of a given species") occurs via currently-accepted mechanisms such as "fertilization of egg by sperm" and "36-38 week gestational period" which come under the umbrella of "Sexual Reproduction."
` Given the numerous inherent problems with the Theory of Sexual Reproduction, we propose that alternate theories such as the Stork Theory, the Cabbage Patch Theory and the Found Beneath a Bridge Hypothesis are deserving of fuller investigation, and should be taught as part of any meaningful biological curriculum at the high school or college level.

The Challenge
A general survey of the academic literature (Medline searches, the membership list of the Society of Reproductive Biologists) reveal that the current landscape of Reproductive Biology is dominated by "Sexual Reproductionists." This is true not only in universities and other research institutions in the United States and Canada, but also in Europe, Asia and elsewhere around the world.
` Sexual Reproductionists are individuals who believe fervently - and at the exclusion of all other theories - that the production of new individuals occurs by 1) the biological intercourse between a male and a female of a given species (which is necessary but not sufficient); and 2) a subsequent event whereby an entity known as "sperm" fuses with another entity that is called "egg." We will turn to the problem of the Theory of Sexual Reproduction shortly.
` However, we must first note that the field of Reproductive Biology is dominated by these Sexual Reproductionists. They are characterized by a monolithic acceptance of every facet of their theory, and they seem unable to entertain any heretical re-evaluation of their sexual orthodoxy in any form - and often react in fury when such ideas are proposed.
` In part, this is simply intellectual arrogance characteristic of individuals who define themselves as "scientists", but it can also be attributed to a need to fanatically defend what they consider "their area." Indeed, the Sexual Reproductionists dominate the research funding landscape (not only in terms of state and federal monies, but also research dollars allocated by the private sector - drug companies, nonprofits etc). Therefore, it is not surprising that these individuals would react unfavorably to radical challenges to their pet ideas, or any potential encroachment upon their turf.

Case Study
Take, for instance, the example of John Pellembell - Associate Professor of Biology, Euphoric State University. Two years ago, during a course in Developmental Biology (an undergraduate class for life sciences majors), Professor Pellembell speculated that "the current bias towards sexual reproduction may have components that are problematic" and that "an evaluation of the correlative evidence vis a vis the Stork Hypothesis may be warranted at some future time."
` Clearly this was a highly modest and tentative proposal - the barest suggestion of an alternate theory. Yet, the reaction of the Sexual Reproductionist ideologues was swift as it was brutal. Professor Pellembell was immediately placed on a forced sabbatical - and the chairman of the Biology Department - Dr. Peter Fisham (a well-known militant Sexual Reproductionist) would not entertain appeals of any sort. Dr. Pellembell's Developmental Biology course was cancelled and concerns raised by the students in the class were ignored.
` Corey Strobeski, a junior in the class stated that he was, "very concerned with the cancellation of this class. And it's got nothing to do with Professor Pellembell giving out a lot of A's. I'm just outraged by, you know, the freedom of speech and stuff." The retributions even came from beyond the academic institution per se.
` His grant application entitled, "Possible Ornithological Basis of Human Reproduction - the role of genus Ciconia in conceptus formation" was denied by the National Institutes of Health - a governmental bureaucracy with a well-documented hostility to non-Sexual Reproduction theories.
` Compounding the outrage, the Society of Reproductive Biologists rescinded his membership. The example of Professor Pellembell makes it abundantly clear that any challenge to the Sexual Reproductionist orthodoxy will be met with a furious response from those favoring the staus quo. Hence, we do not take up this challenge lightly.

` Taken up with this article? (It gets better!) Go to the original post to continue reading! ...Of course, to be fair, come back when you're done!
` As with most budding new theories, there are a few problems with some of the details. For example, the article states that; 'Much like the sperm-egg fusion conjecture, this is merely correlative evidence. Proving a conclusive causative relationship will require further investigation.'
` According to this article I found in PubMed:

Hofer T, Przyrembel H, Verleger S.

Federal Institute for Risk Assessment, Berlin, Germany. thomas.hoefer@bfr.bund.de Data from Berlin (Germany) show a significant correlation between the increase in the stork population around the city and the increase in deliveries outside city hospitals (out-of-hospital deliveries). However, there is no correlation between deliveries in hospital buildings (clinical deliveries) and the stork population.
` The decline in the number of pairs of storks in the German state of Lower Saxony between 1970 and 1985 correlated with the decrease of deliveries in that area. The nearly constant number of deliveries from 1985 to 1995 was associated with an unchanged stork population (no statistical significance).
` However, the relevance of the stork for the birth rate in that part of Germany remains unclear, because the number of out-of-hospital deliveries in this area is not well documented. A lack of statistical information on out-of-hospital deliveries in general is a severe handicap for further proof for the Theory of the Stork.

PMID: 14738551 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

` So, apparently The Stork Theory is as of yet definitely unsubstantiated. Because I am an open-minded person, I will consider that Sexual Reproduction Theory as well as Cabbage Patch Theory and the Found Under a Bridge Hypothesis may also be valid, as long the evidence points their way.

It's a total X-mess around the lab! (...And not just because I made a monkey out of Lou!)

` This day is monumental, for you see, I have finally found a way to use my Unpredictability Drive for randomly traipsing into alternate realities from the comfort of my own kitchen cabinet! As a result, several bizarre and random things have occurred as a result.
` The first thing that happened was relatively mild: The drive wound up generating enough local temporal-spatial instability to cause the dining room to fill with Martha Stewart merchandise. A very frightening thing, indeed!

` After I had managed to banish the merchandise back through the portal, I discovered that the Evil Spirit of Commercialized $mas had rubbed off on me, turning myself a mysterious livid shade of green. "Well," I said to myself, "At least I can tell people they wouldn't like me when I'm angry..."

` After applying the Unpredictability Cleansing Wand to myself (it comes with the drive in case of spillage), I had somehow inadvertantly set other developments into motion: A little later, I noticed my internal organs had began to feel a bit odd, and I had the sense that my body was beginning to change shape. Finally, I reached into my pants to find that my existing biological structures were sprouting... new growth. Um.
` As you can see, I am - quite visibly - different, for sure!

` After I had stabilized after the transformation, I mostly stood in the kitchen, looking around insecurely. Luckily, my perverted side got the best of me and I ran off into the bedroom, leaving my clothes on the floor.
` When Lou got home, I pulled my pants back on and told him what had happened. He said to me; "Not to fear, my new gay lover," and proceeded to change the settings on the Cleansing Wand. (I swear, that man has such a weird sense of humor!)

` Unfortunately - and I have no idea why - Lou wound up inadvertantly taking a trip back to his roots. Literally. I had to get out the straight jacket to keep the primitive and panicked homonid from destroying things.
` In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen I present to you a new species; the Australoupithecus.

` Darn! And I had been hoping for a blow job!! Let me tell you, this December has been such a mess - and it's only just begun! Forget about holiday shopping, folks! I have enough stress to keep me going until January.
` I'll probably be very busy for a while, trying to get Lou back to normal. I'll keep you posted about my insane adventures, so until next time, behold my manliness!

` This is Dr. 'Casmir' Nociceptor, signing off. And may the Schwartz be with you!

Cats: Can they speak?

` It should be said that cats can articulate words surprisingly well. This one, when slowed down 2x sounds just like it's saying "no!" Indeed, I've heard the phrase 'Mikey likes it' - evidently, the cat does not like Mikey!

` Of course, there are so many different sounds a cat can articulate, as seen in these video clips: The first two cats evidently meow in certain ways that sound like words and are being encouraged to do so. The third cat apparently really likes its back to be scratched, caterwauling and then licking its lips. The fourth cat is clearly growling at something while gnashing its teeth and sounds like it's talking in gibberish. I was quite impressed with that one!

` In this video, you can see the target of the feline gibberish. When put in context, the growling cat doesn't seem so odd.
` In fact, there are even humans (who have evidently seen such talking animal videos too many times) which have apparently discovered the same thing applies to them!

` And, to my utter astonishment, a genuine 'scat cat'... seriously, it either rabidly likes jazz or is having a seizure.
` I'm scared now. I haven't seen anything like that since my chimera began foaming at the mouth from a ruptured flammable gas bladder.

` My conclusion on whether or not cats can speak is that a), cats can articulate vocalizations that do sound like words, and b) this is not actually like speech where you realize what you're talking about. Hence, it has entertainment value. Especially that last one.

` Apes, on the other hand, are not so good at verbal speech, though they are pretty good at at understanding the meaning of many words and can use them. However, they are not able to articulate words into sentences. (Example of something an ape often says: "Give me you, orange, me, give give orange, you me give.")
` I used to think that apes were better at this task until I learned that ape language researchers are usually very overzealous about their work and tend to be withdrawn from the scientific community. While apes do understand many of the signs they are purported to have learned, input from people who study apes in the wild as well as actual sign-language speakers are not able to see as many signs as the enthusiasts report, and indeed, view many 'signs' as natural behavior that happens in the absence of humans.
` The reason why is because humans have specialized areas of the brain for processing lanugage while apes have corresponding areas that are instead used for interpreting things like who made what sound and where. Therefore, the reason that apes are able to use some signs is because they are so intelligent that they can figure some of it out!
` Similarly, high-functioning autistic people - as they lack the specialized brain region for interacting with people - can use their smarts to sort-of get the hang of social situations. They never do develop that instinct, however, but they can still wing it.
` But yes, cats are clearly out of the league of apes when it comes to speech, and apes are clearly out of the league of even two-year-old humans when it comes to language. In any case, I would have to say that cats are just as hilarious when they make strange sounds as they are when they find themselves attached to ceiling fans.

` I love cats and all... but damn, I can't help but laugh at that poor cat! Lou thought it was so funny that he asked me to replay this video for him about six times.

Conclusive Evidence...

` ...of a seagull having befriended an artificial strigiform:

` Perhaps not. But I had ya wonderin' what the hell was going on, didn't I?

She made a Crab Monkey out of me!

` Crabby, I don't know how you did this, but I can finally see now that my DNA was put to good use!

` ...And it's even a boy! I've always wanted a mutated offspring of mine to be a boy! My dear Crabcake, you really are delightful! I must show you around the lab sometime....