` For the past couple of weeks, I have been working on one of the most perplexing questions in all of biology....
` Guessing that perhaps he was the illegitimate spawn of Mayor McCheese and a shake machine (thus accounting for his dimwittedness), I was astonished to discover that Grimace has not always been the huge, flabby dope I remember.
` He has had quite a dark history, it turns out: Once upon a time, he was Evil. 'Evil Grimace', that is.
` Here are two pictures representing Evil Grimace running off with loads of McDonald's milkshakes in his four arms.
` Don't ask me how he could run, but he did manage it somehow. Well, unless Ronald McDonald himself stepped in to outwit him.
` I thought that Grimace might have turned into a promising young thief of one of the most powerful (not to mention evil) corporations in the world.
` What happened?
` I did a little background check and learned that Grimace was originally created in a McDonald's laboratory to reinforce the notion to children that Ronald McDonald is God.
` That's right. The premise of Ronald's ability to rescue milkshakes from Grimace or Filet O'Fish from Captain Crook was for brainwashing kids to think that Ronald was omnipotent. However, since Hamburglar was already doing a good enough job of making Ronald look good, Crook and Grimace were pulled back to the laboratory.
` Crook was later rendered into chum, while the lumbering lump - deemed too cute 'n fuzzy to be destroyed - was given a most gruesome surgery, the likes of which are not for the weak of stomach.
` With large sections of his brains missing - not to mention two of his arms - Grimace was later released back into McDonald land, absolutely clueless as to who he was... as well as most other things.
` Now, as to what Grimace is, that information is apparently top secret, though I suspect he may have been made by splicing H.R. Pufunstuf with Seymore the Spider.
` Similarly, Hamburglar might have been created by combining Pufunstuf with Witchie-Poo. However they managed to make these creatures, it's clear that McDonald's is a cruel, cruel empire, and that's about all I have to say about it because I am very, very hungry.
` And not for McDonald's, either.
` I'm thinking maybe some granola.
` In further news, Ronald McDonald has had a sex change and is now living in Japan. She's lookin' good, too!