Sunday, August 19, 2007

Grimace: A McDonald's Tragedy

` For the past couple of weeks, I have been working on one of the most perplexing questions in all of biology....
` Guessing that perhaps he was the illegitimate spawn of Mayor McCheese and a shake machine (thus accounting for his dimwittedness), I was astonished to discover that Grimace has not always been the huge, flabby dope I remember.
` He has had quite a dark history, it turns out: Once upon a time, he was Evil. 'Evil Grimace', that is.
` Here are two pictures representing Evil Grimace running off with loads of McDonald's milkshakes in his four arms.
` Don't ask me how he could run, but he did manage it somehow. Well, unless Ronald McDonald himself stepped in to outwit him.
` I thought that Grimace might have turned into a promising young thief of one of the most powerful (not to mention evil) corporations in the world.
` What happened?
` I did a little background check and learned that Grimace was originally created in a McDonald's laboratory to reinforce the notion to children that Ronald McDonald is God.
` That's right. The premise of Ronald's ability to rescue milkshakes from Grimace or Filet O'Fish from Captain Crook was for brainwashing kids to think that Ronald was omnipotent. However, since Hamburglar was already doing a good enough job of making Ronald look good, Crook and Grimace were pulled back to the laboratory.
` Crook was later rendered into chum, while the lumbering lump - deemed too cute 'n fuzzy to be destroyed - was given a most gruesome surgery, the likes of which are not for the weak of stomach.
` With large sections of his brains missing - not to mention two of his arms - Grimace was later released back into McDonald land, absolutely clueless as to who he was... as well as most other things.
` Now, as to what Grimace is, that information is apparently top secret, though I suspect he may have been made by splicing H.R. Pufunstuf with Seymore the Spider.
` Similarly, Hamburglar might have been created by combining Pufunstuf with Witchie-Poo. However they managed to make these creatures, it's clear that McDonald's is a cruel, cruel empire, and that's about all I have to say about it because I am very, very hungry.

` And not for McDonald's, either.

` I'm thinking maybe some granola.

` In further news, Ronald McDonald has had a sex change and is now living in Japan. She's lookin' good, too!

17 comments:

Charles said...

If I remember correctly Willard Scott of the Today show was the first Ronald McDonald.

Charles said...

I thought you might find this of interest.


PZ Myers, ScienceBlogs.com's lead blogger, is being sued for libel: Sciam Observations

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You mean that Ronald McD is not omnipotent? My world is shattered!

Kingcover said...

Nope, you're wrong in all of this. He's actually a booger. His mother and father before him were boogers and so that little guy was destined to follow in their footsteps - or should that be 'slime trail'???

S E E Quine said...

` Charles - Great Scott! It turns out that Willard also created Ronald.
` Over the years, the clown was played by different guys to give the impression to children that he was immortal.
` But I guess I can't be too angry at Willard, since he is such a great guy.
` BTW, Stuart Pivar is clearly neurotic, if not psychotic.

` Nick, I'm so sorry to be the one to break it to you. But it had to be done.
` I like your new bookshelf, by the way. Makes you look all scholarly!

` Gareth, you could be right; Grimace could have been just a normal booger until McDonald's got a hold of him!

Charles said...

Grimace was purple. If he was a booger, does that mean somebody was snorting Grape Kool-aid or something?

Galtron said...

Most likely the grape Kool-Aid was added by McDonald's top scientists...... or accidentally spilled in the petri dish by none other than Ronald McDonald's wig after it was transformed into the first Fry-Guy.

Charles said...

You know, I'm glad we don't have to look at our male Ronald McDonald's crotch like that. Now excuse me while I go try to clean my brain of that thought.

S E E Quine said...

` Ah, so that's what Fry Guys are made of!

` Have fun washing your brain, Charles!

Charles said...

I figure if I hit enough Republican sites and some religious fanatic sites, I can get a brain-washing. NAH!

S. E. E. Quine said...

` Tee hee!


` I know - hang out with Mr. Stand-In! That should help!

Edward C. Foster said...

I want to comment about the pic of the shoes.

When I was much younger living in New York, we were told that shoes hanging from the powerlines once belonged to a person killed by gang members.

It was said that it was their way of letting others know to "back off" or "pay up". Which ever the case may be.

Edward C. Foster said...

And yes, for those who might ask. There was a such thing as gangs back in my day.

Ed

S E E Quine said...

` What a heartwarming anecdote, Ed!

David Hoskins GOD said...

Why did you comment to it on the wrong blog, Ed?

S E E Quine said...

` That helmet of his must cut off his circulation!

angel said...

is he not related to jabba the hutt?