Thursday, August 10, 2006

Jesus Loves a Machine Gun....

` This post was originally from Jun 11 2006:

` I cannot seem to get enough of the idea behind this 'Left Behind' game! It's so darn funny! Plus, I've discovered a hilarious article by Mark Morford. It starts....

Are you a true believer? Do you just know deep down in your black Wal-Mart socks that every word of the Bible is the absolute literal truth and nothing dare be doubted and anyone who thinks that God is merely an ambisexual omniblissful bloom of moist divine nondenominational honeydew melon should be strung up by their small intestine and beaten with sticks sharpened by Mel Gibson's teeth?

Do you feel, furthermore, that human cretins like, say, gays and Jews and Wiccans and all those hippie weirdos with their iPods and low-cut jeans and easy laughter are a plague upon this fine and holy land?

Do you think that contemptible books like "The Da Vinci Code" are not only blasphemy, but that you should probably go out into the street right now and behead a few lambs and perhaps mow down some Taoists with a Gatling gun just to deflect its horrible notions of the sacredness of the feminine divine? You do?

Praise Jesus! Your video game has arrived.

` Go here for the rest of the article. And if you liked that one, check out: Which Way To The Apocalypse? When all the fanatical Christians disappear, will traffic finally improve?
` And, if you're interested, my alter ego has found a much more detailed article on the matter which displays more information on the spectacle in; "Little Johnny's destroying the Heathens! Isn't that cute?"


Galtron said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ad inf.

Mark Morford's vision of heaven:

Everyone is slowly but surely driven giddily insane by the incessant harp music and the unmistakable scent of angel droppings. All thought ceases.

Yes, Jesus is there, smiling and rocking back and forth and looking just weirdly happy, and the minions gather 'round him in swooning, narcotized glee, everyone feeling more than a little justified for all their nasty deeds while on Earth, all the abortion clinic firebombings and all the protests of "The Da Vinci Code" and that morally nauseating thing with Terri Schiavo back in '05.

Finally, finally they have arrived at a place where no one is having sex and no one wants to marry someone from their same gender and all experience has been filed down to a dull nub of vague, tasteless sensation as liquid Prozac is misted into the air via a giant Glade Plug-In the size of Florida.

Except something is a little off. Something is not quite right. Let us look closer. Why, that's not Jesus at all -- it's actually a big blow-up doll of Jesus, a giant swaying latex toy, a wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man painted to look like Jesus, bobbing back and forth like a car salesman on meth. Hmm.

But the minions, of course, do not notice. They are all swaying and waving in equally ecstatic response. It is one hell of a spectacle. It is vaguely cultish. It is also, eerily, exactly like a Celine Dion concert.

ROTFLMAO, as the kids say!

S E E Quine said...

` That is hilarious... gee, I wonder what his vision of hell would be like?