` This day is monumental, for you see, I have finally found a way to use my Unpredictability Drive for randomly traipsing into alternate realities from the comfort of my own kitchen cabinet! As a result, several bizarre and random things have occurred as a result.
` The first thing that happened was relatively mild: The drive wound up generating enough local temporal-spatial instability to cause the dining room to fill with Martha Stewart merchandise. A very frightening thing, indeed!
` After I had managed to banish the merchandise back through the portal, I discovered that the Evil Spirit of Commercialized $mas had rubbed off on me, turning myself a mysterious livid shade of green. "Well," I said to myself, "At least I can tell people they wouldn't like me when I'm angry..."
` After applying the Unpredictability Cleansing Wand to myself (it comes with the drive in case of spillage), I had somehow inadvertantly set other developments into motion: A little later, I noticed my internal organs had began to feel a bit odd, and I had the sense that my body was beginning to change shape. Finally, I reached into my pants to find that my existing biological structures were sprouting... new growth. Um.
` As you can see, I am - quite visibly - different, for sure!
` After I had stabilized after the transformation, I mostly stood in the kitchen, looking around insecurely. Luckily, my perverted side got the best of me and I ran off into the bedroom, leaving my clothes on the floor.
` When Lou got home, I pulled my pants back on and told him what had happened. He said to me; "Not to fear, my new gay lover," and proceeded to change the settings on the Cleansing Wand. (I swear, that man has such a weird sense of humor!)
` Unfortunately - and I have no idea why - Lou wound up inadvertantly taking a trip back to his roots. Literally. I had to get out the straight jacket to keep the primitive and panicked homonid from destroying things.
` In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen I present to you a new species; the Australoupithecus.
` Darn! And I had been hoping for a blow job!! Let me tell you, this December has been such a mess - and it's only just begun! Forget about holiday shopping, folks! I have enough stress to keep me going until January.
` I'll probably be very busy for a while, trying to get Lou back to normal. I'll keep you posted about my insane adventures, so until next time, behold my manliness!
` This is Dr. 'Casmir' Nociceptor, signing off. And may the Schwartz be with you!